Fierce Faith

By definition faith is....complete trust or confidence in something or someone. To me that means complete trust and confidence that God and the wonderful advancements in medicine has rid my body completely of cancer.  That I can live my life worry free.....That cancer will NOT ever return.  I have learned on this journey the true meaning of faith.  To "have faith"  is not always the easiest thing to do!  It is not just a feeling you have, or something that is just there.  It is actually an action word....something you have to think about and work on all the time.  Its something you have to seek...in prayer....in scripture....in yourself.  It is something that you have to constantly work for.  When I first decided to blog my cancer journey I thought of  many many names that were already taken...it literally took me days.  I truly believe that the title of my blog...."Fierce Faith"  was no accident in Gods plan.....this too was going to be part of my test.  What I thought was faith back on April 5th, was just a fraction of the faith I have now.  Fierce faith is now a part of my life that I will never ever let go of.....I will never let the fact that I had cancer define me as a person....but who I became along the way and the fierce faith that I had to cling to will always be a part of who I am today. 

I had people make bracelets, tshirts, walk in relays, create a team in my honor.......all of which carried out my "FIERCE FAITH" mission!!  Im truly blessed and honored to have such amazing people in my life.  Some of which I'd never even met that knew my story & someone from my family and chose to support my journey! 

God Bless you all & Thank you for your amazing support!!

~Fierce Faith~

ThanksLIVING

I will never stop being amazed at Gods perfect timing in my life! I mean I couldn't ask for a better time to be feeling better than I have in months! Just before my favorite time of the year...the holidays!! We begin with November.....the month of Thanksgiving! And I have sooooo much to be thankful for! I will tell you the title of this post I had to steal from a friend...she and her family were in a car accident a few months ago that nearly took her life...as she continues her fight to walk again and heal from all the injuries she said...thanksgiving, more like thanksliving! A near death experience definatly makes you look at life a litte different! I have chose to live EVERYDAY with thanks. Just something as simple as being thankful for waking up...the sun....the moon....my hair....etc. We (my family) used to go day after day without really thinking of all the wonderful things around us we have to be thankful for. Now we wake up every morning and before we leave the house we all write down on a dry erase board what we are thankful for! I love seeing the things my children will write....sports, sally (the hamster), Justin Bieber, friends. And then they will shock me and put....Freedom, the healing of my moms body, the world that God created!! That makes me proud!! What my kids have gone through since April 5, 2011 I would never wish on any child, but WOW how they have grown through it! And for that...I AM THANKFUL!
In everything you can choose to find the good or the bad...I choose good!  
                                Glory to Glory!
I was diagnosed with cancer...I am now cancer free!     Glory to Glory!
I lost my hair...Its growing back!!    Glory to Glory!!
I had my boobs removed.......I have new ones, and a tummy tuck!!   Glory to Glory!
My family suffered......we are now closer than ever!!   Glory to Glory!!
How are we going to afford all this?........God provided!!  Glory to Glory to Glory!!!!

Thank you God for opening up my eyes....for reminding me everyday of all the blessings I have been given......for continuing to bless my family.......For my life! 

Happy ThanksLIVING everyone!
~Fierce Faith~

30 days later

I cannot believe it has already been 1 month since I had my surgery. And over a month since my last post! So much has happened over the last month.....so hard to believe that 30 days ago I had cancer....and today, it is gone!! My week in the hospital was not so much a mini vacation as I had hoped. Mom & I arrived promptly at 5:30 am. Went through the check in process....got my IV in place.....Dr. Oliva came in and drew pictures on my body as to where they would cut, nip & tuck! As the time drew closer, my anxiety increased! Then in comes the anesthesiologists....the man who would have my life in his hands for the next 10 hours!! I expressed my 2 concerns....don't let me wake up in the middle of surgery....and, you better make sure I wake up at the end of surgery! Lol Not too much to ask in my opinion! He explained how he would find a spot where I was not too far under but also enough to remain asleep....because it was such a long surgery they have to find a level of sedation that's "in the middle" Made sense to me...just remember my 2 requests! Hahaha And then it was time...time to turn in my pink ribbon baseball cap, for a cheesy hair net lookin thing! As I looked to mom the tears began to fall...I was so scared...we hugged, she ensured me I was going to be ok and that she loved me, and off I went!! I really dont remember much after that. He had already given me something to help me relax, and asked me if I noticed it?? My reply..."I don't think so, I don't feel anything"....as I thought about what I had just said, I told him..."that must be it!" I was relaxed! For the next 10 hours, my amazing family & friends stayed in contact with updates, prayers, & encouragement. Kari stayed at the hospital the entire time! Thank you Kari!! James would get updates from the dr or nurse via phone every 2 hours....and Kari would post the update on my facebook.page. It truly was an amazing thing to go back & read....I feel so blessed to have the support that all of you showed!! I don't remember the recovery area or much of the next 2 days. From what I heard, I did say a few off the wall things and fall asleep mid sentence quite frequently! Between James & my parents someone was always with the kids & I. I can only imagine how much of a circus life was for those 5 days. I remember NEVER letting go of that pain med button! Mom told me one of the nurses came in and said..."good news, you're not pregnant!" Hmmmmm, I dont remember reading any where that this was even a side effect of this surgery, so thank God...that would have been a tough one to explain to my husband!! The next few days were up & down. I didn't eat much, food was kind of gross. I didnt have much of an appetite anyway. Once they took my pain button away & I had to take meds orally it all went downhill! And the 8 drain tubes hanging from my body had a little to do with my lack of appetite too! But I do have to say, I had amazing friends & family come visit, call, send flowers, cooking dinners for James & the kids, etc! I believe I had 10 floral arrangements in my room!! The nurses all commented on how good it smelled, and how much life it had!! Thank you all for that!!! And now....fast forward 1month....Im home, Im healing, Im cancer free, Im recovering! It's definitely been a fight...somedays I dont feel like there's much fight in me...but somehow one of you help me over the hump & its game on all over again! I see the end now..its so refreshing! I will never forget the past 6 months of my life (well, because of chemo brain, maybe some of it!) All the emotions....All the questions....All the prayers....All the pain....All the tears! While I was in it, I felt like it would never end, but here we are only 6 months later, and its almost over! So hard to believe! We've had so many angels watching over & taking care of us in every way imaginable..I wish I could personally thank each & every one of you! Please know in my heart how thankful I am! Ive said it before and I will say it for the rest of my life...I....WE....could not have done it without all of you!
Thank you & God Bless!
~Fierce Faith~

Give Thanks

     Well it has been 3 weeks since my last post....I have been very busy and feeling great!!  The kids are all back in school.  Such a great feeling to have them all in school all day!  I know that my body is ridding itself of all the chemo crap because I love mornings again.  The last 5 months mornings have been dreadful...first off I just couldn't get myself to wake up, and then when I did I would get so tired so easily.  My energy is slowly coming back and my love of mornings is too!! 
     I've been on an emotional roller coaster regarding my surgery in 6 days :{  I'm trying to look at it as my mini vacation! lol  For 5 days in the hospital I get to order whatever I want to eat....sleep whenever I want......read magazines......call on someone else if I need anything.....no cleaning.....no laundry......no cooking.......NOTHING!!  Well other than recovering from a major surgery.  So I'm kind of excited...then my brain quickly shifts to....10 hours of surgery...What if I wake up in the middle of it?  What if I don't wake up at all??  What if its horribly painful recovery?  How do I go to the bathroom?  What will by body look like? (I'm imaging like something that Edward scissor hands got ahold of..lol)  I then begin my google search..typing in just what I'm thinking.....sometimes I feel better....most times not so much!  Hahaha.  So,  I have had to work hard, but I am trying to rely on faith and stay positive that this is just another day in the O.R for the doctors and staff.....just like I get up, get the kids to school, go to work and come back home..these doctors do this same surgery every week, for lots of women just like me...they all wake up (when its over!)  they all recover...they all make their way to the bathroom...and after the healing process, they look great!  I am thankful that God blessed these individuals with the talent and ability to perform such an amazing (to me) transformation of the body.  Who will now be considered heroes in my life!!

Once again.....this song has touched my heart and as I listen to the lyrics I do believe that I have tons of reasons to sing....that Ive fought the good fight....and this hurt is soon going to be healing.  Its not over, and I'm still fighting....I'm ready to take back what cancer thought it could take from me.  Although it has been a tough 5 months, and it has put stress on relationships, finances, my kids, my body, my mind....I did not let it win!  And I am declaring that everything and everyone that had to suffer for me in 2011, will be abundantly blessed in 2012!!  Thank you for supporting my family and I,  thank you for the shoulder to cry on, thank you for the meals that fueled our bodies, thank you for the cards that uplifted my spirits, thank you for the gifts that made me smile, thank you for allowing me to be weak, thank you for the friendship, thank you for the prayers!!  THANK YOU!!  THANK YOU!! 

~Fierce Faith~

Good night chemo

Aaaah, I did it!! My last chemo is now 4 days behind me, now I'm just praying for the side effects to go away!! I've kept my body full of nausea meds, I do have an appetite, its just that nothing tastes as good as it sounds! Here is what I tried yesterday: toast, grilled cheese, salad, hard boiled egg, frosty, french fry, plum, soft taco! Lol I literally took 1 bite of each of these things, only to be disappointed by the taste! The torturous part is that I want to eat! I am putting my list together for a grocery store run....this should be as good a the last one!
Cravings for today are: potatoe soup, cherries, fruit punch pop, chicken salad sandwich, and tootsie rolls!?! Hahaha Hopefully one of those will hit the spot!!
As for the other side effects....my bones are sooo achy, and its hard to explain, but I can feel this fluttery feeling inside my body. Its really weird, it happens every time....and its all over in my stomach, legs, arms,etc?? Aaaah the joys of chemo taking over my body! And then of course the fatigue...I just lay in the recliner and go in and out of sleep! Hot flashes, then freezing!! I'm counting the days...usually by next Wed, Thurs, I'm feeling much better!! And to never have to do this again is beyond exciting!! I did it!! Its finally over!! As Aliyah would say....."you're done with cancer now mom!"
Yes! I am done with cancer!!

Love you - Fierce Faith

Crappy Chemo #6--The finale

Im full of emotion right now, Im excited, Im scared, Im anxious, Im lost, Im grateful, Im sad, Im joyful. From one moment to another Im laughing or Im crying. Why is it in the excitement of knowing this is my final chemo....fear has to creep into my mind?? Im so ready to be finished with the crappy way chemo makes me feel, but the peace it gives me knowing that it is destroying ANY cancer in my body is somewhat reassuring. Now to think I wont have that anymore makes me fearful. I've told so many people that fear and faith cannot reside in the same body....let go of the fear and let God fill your body, your mind, your everything with faith in him!! I name my blog "Fierce Faith" And here I sit on my final chemo eve (well more like chemo dawn} in fear????? I was fortunate enough to have an amazing friend Heather still awake at 2am that I could text with to reassure me of our amazing God...and Healer! I am just so grateful for the support I've had through this journey. I've got 2 chemo angels that send me things in the mail about every other day or so!! They are cancer survivors themselves, and they send cards, coffee, notepads, candles, encouraging letters, etc. It is truly amazing, and I've got many newfound friends in the cancer world. I love and appreciate everyone of you supporting me and my family, but I love it when I can say my finger nails hurt...and the other person can completely relate!!
Started my steroid dose today....that is the med that the Dr told me in the beginning makes you mean!  I dont think I remembered which drug it was before, but that is definatly the one???  Im sure of it after today....I get so aggitated and angry and then things just come out of my mouth without any thought!  I appologize to any of you that have been on the receiving end of that, but unfortunatly I think its mainly been my husband and kids. :(   
And then theres that.....my kids.....I never had to feel what they are feeling or wonder what they are wondering.  We didnt have anyone with cancer in our family when I was growing up, or even still for that matter!  I know Aliyahs heart and fears she shows it all the time, but the others are pretty to them selves about the whole thing.  Although its probably hard for them sometimes, I also know this is going to make them so much more relateable to others and allow them opportunities to encourage and help friends with their stories of our journey.  I've read it and hear it a thousand times,  When I was diagnosed with cancer...my family was diagnosed with cancer as well!!  I know kids are so resiliant, but I cant help but want to protect them all and ensure they are not feeling the fear that I sometimes feel!
On another note...my nose has been sooooo runny since my last herceptin tx??  One thing I DO NOT recommend is eating hot tamales candy while experiencing the chemo nasal drip!  lol  We were out with the kids at trade a game and I put my quarter in the little candy machine thinking mmmmmm hot tamales sound good....the first one was kind of hot, but it was #2 and #3 that put me over the edge!  I don't know if you have seen kangaroo jack when the kangaroo eats the atomic fireball...LOL...but that is how I felt, I was trying to dig in my purse for a tissue but I couldn't look down because my nose would literally drip out!  Approximately 3 times this happened when I would look down and then I thought at this point someone has to have seen me, so my wonderful husband asked the guy behind the desk if he had a tissue.  I took one and we continued to wait for the boys to trade their games...the guy then came over to that counter with the whole box of tissues and set them down for me!  Hahaha, he was obviously the one that saw. LOL 
Earlier in the day I was walking back from checking the mail and the fear I've had from the first day I lost my hair happened.....my hat blew off!!  Once again, I'm sure SOMEONE saw, but I just picked it up and continued down the street like nothing happened!  lol  At this point you just have to throw pride out the window and roll with the punches!! 

OK....I just realized its after 3am now....I have to be downtown by 8:50....good thing I don't have to do my hair!!!  I'm very exicted to be done with chemo....I wish I could sing....Nah Nah, Nah Nah Nah Nah, Hey Hey Hey...Goodbye!!  Well I suppose I could, but unfortunately I still have to go to the chemo suite for another 8 months for my herceptin...Boo!!  But the side effects are not nearly as bad as the "crappy chemo" days.  So many more of you may be able to catch one of my nasal drip episodes!  Well I'm off to get my rest for the big day....excited that Austin and Shaiya will be there to celebrate with me my last crappy chemo!!  Love you all, Good Night!   ~Fierce Faith~

Dark before Morning

8 days past chemo, I had my herceptin treatment yesterday.  The house was packed!!  I had to wait 1/2 hour to get a seat!   You'd think I was talking about the neighborhood bar or fancy restaurant, but noooooo I'm talkin bout the stinkin chemo suite!!!  Although I do have to tell you I sat next to a great guy one time, he leaned over and asked, "what are ya havin?"  Confused I looked at the snacks on my tray, and he pointed at my IV bag and said, "no, what are ya havin?"  I told him my chemo concoction, and he said, "Ive tried that! The drinks here aren't that good! But the bartenders and waitresses are!"  LOL  I replied..."And they're really expensive!"  It was quite funny to think of the place as a bar....worst hangovers I've ever had!!  I'm still not feeling the best, but like I said before each day is getting better.  The nasal drip is crazy this time.  I've literally bent or leaned over and it just ran out like water!?!?  It is the weirdest thing ever, but is a normal side effect of the herceptin.  Lovely!

Well today I got to meet with my plastic surgeon.  Dr. Oliva.  I really liked him.  Surgery is scheduled for September 19th.  10 hour surgery...5 days in the hospital....2 new boobs....and 1 tummy tuck!  LOL  Im excited and scared at the same time!  He really put me at ease regarding my recovery time.  Basically by the time I leave the hospital I will be moving around able to do some small things, not much, but more than I had expected!  The kids will all be in school, so I will have plenty of time for rest and recovery!

Before I go I have to tell you I heard an amazing song the other day that has completely changed my attitude...I was in a bit of a funk, feeling like my "fierce faith"  was being put to the test.  Then this song came on...I don't know if its new or old, but it is called "Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson.  Look it up on youtube, and listen to it....I challenge you not to cry! LOL  This song touched my heart at just the perfect moment and I did a 360 in my mind!  Thank You God!!
 Part of the lyrics go like this: 
Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning
Love it!!!  And so I can tonight tell you that I have Fierce Faith once again....This battle is nearing the end, when I step in the ring one last time with all you behind me and God beside me...and KICK CANCERS A**!!!!

Love you all,
~Fierce Faith~

Almost a week past crappy chemo #5. I am starting to feel a little better. Each day has its own new weird aches, pains and side effects, but I always know when I'm coming up out of it!! I have tunnel vision right now....focusing on September 19th surgery...recovery....and then helping others that are going through what I just experienced. I have had so many blessings through this journey, that I have to pay it forward once I am well. There is something special about talking to that person that just walked in your shoes! That really understands what you are going through...I know God has called me to be that for many other women! I've met some amazing, courageous people sitting in those chemo chairs...some with an outcome not so good. Yet they still keep a sense of humor and faith in their unknown future. It puts so much of my life into perspective...how to not take one simple thing for granted...tonight I came to the conclusion that I will forever appreciate my taste buds, I get so frustrated that everything I eat tastes gross...I need nutrients/energy, but I just cant find anything that even tastes good. I know that sounds goofy, but it took something like this to even make me think about the intricate threads of our body.  I feel like I get the chance to start over,  a new me.  To truly live life as God had intended.  I'm very excited for that!!  And I know it is just around the corner!

I did get to experience the Liberty Lake Relay 4 Life on Friday night! Thanks again to everyone that help put together a team in my name and raised money, and came out to walk!! What an amazing event, I want to be a bigger part of that next year!! So many ways to show support and get involved so that one day we may have a cure for this stupid disease. 

I'm off to get some much needed beauty rest!!  

Love you all,
~Fierce Faith~

Crappy Chemo #5

Well, I officially have crappy chemo #5 behind me!! Although its not the day of chemo that gets me...its two days later the crummy feeling that takes over my body for 5-7 days. It is nice to be able to say I only have 1 left....do you hear that? I ONLY HAVE 1 CHEMO LEFT!!!!!

I just have to say Thank you to all that have left amazing comments on my facebook page. I read them and cry and thank God for blessing me with so many great people in my life!!

I have so much going through my brain right now, but nothing that I can seem to get out in words....I am falling asleep sitting here, but I really wanted to get a post out.  Thank you for the continued support and prayers.  Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. Live simply,  Love generously, Care deeply, Speak kindly.  Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain.

Fight For Life
Storms of life are strong enough
without cancer stepping in,
Came creeping through the back door
just counting on a win.
Engaging you in battle
we firmly stand our ground,
Armed with courage, faith and hope,
My life we surround..
This fight rages day and night
The will to surivive is strong,
We will never surrender
In our lives you don't belong.
Prepare yourself to lose this time
My life you won't take,
This is a fight you will not win
Cancer, make no mistake!


~Fierce Faith~

Tired!

Well today I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed! I guess after 6 days of just feeling "ok" its finally caught up to me. Its like a yo-yo...I'm happy that I'm not miserably sick, but frustrated that I constantly feel chemo aftermath! My mouth and throat feel like a giant cotton ball!! Food doesn't taste very good, but I want to eat so bad! Liquids are still hard to get down because of the weird taste. I want so bad to be able to enjoy something!! I believe it was my second TX that I didn't feel too bad right away, and then it kicked in the next week....I'm kinda feeling that way now....like I celebrated too soon. I'm tired!!! Tired of being bald.....tired of feeling nauseous all the time....tired of dry mouth.....tired of chemo brain.....tired of heartburn....tired of being irritable....tired of being tired.....tired of appts....tired of orange pill bottles....tired of diarrhea...tired of muscle aches....tired of my nail beds hurting...tired of hot flashes...oh and did I mention tired of chemo brain?!?  Ha!  And the list goes on and on!!!  I know its almost over, I know the end is near.......but right here, right now.....I'm miserable!!  My poor family has gotten the brunt end of my misery the last few days....I'm sure they will all have stories to tell about "The day mom flipped out!"  lol   I may be the one with cancer, but we are all experiencing the effects of cancer!  So glad I have such great friends and family that will hang in there with me till the end!!!  Thank you all, and as I always say, I could not do this alone, without all the prayers and support and people cheering for recovery, it would be easy to fall into a place of darkness and doom!!  But I will continue to push through with my fierce faith so that one day...not to far from now....I can look back and say I DID IT!!!

~Fierce Faith~

Out of hibernation

Hello again!! Chemo # 4 is now officially behind me!!!  I literally walked in the door from work on Wednesday evening....took off my shoes....crawled in to bed and stayed there until today...Saturday!!  I was still in my work clothes until Friday when I changed my shirt!  Chemo brain was in full force this round, I forgot to go in for my Neulasta shot the day after chemo...Thank goodness one of the nurses called and reminded me around 4:15, so I was able to run in and get it before they closed!  I then forgot to take my last dose of steroids, and almost forgot my big nausea pill, forgot my meds for heartburn. I cant say I felt any worse or better than after any of the other txs, I just figured as long as I could sleep I wouldn't have to feel any of the pain.  It worked! (somewhat) Still feel crappy, but I'm coming up out of it! I was able to walk around the farmers market with my mom and Aliyah this morning, even made a trip to the grocery store......bad bad bad thing to do when you are really hungry and just trying to come up with things that might taste good...$50 later I ended up with potato chips and bean dip, hash browns, watermelon, sugar snaps cereal (which I never eat) top ramen, & some orange slice gumdrops!   WTF?!?!?  How am I supposed to put any of that together as a meal???  I'm still not sure any of it will even taste as good as it sounds, but hey at least I feel like I might be able to eat sooner than the last treatments.  I do have to say the new rx for heartburn is awesome!!  I have mild heartburn this time, but nothing like the last ones.  I still have the gross taste thing going on, but minus the heartburn makes it much easier to even try different foods.  So, now I can proudly say I only have 2 treatments left and I am thrilled!!!  Although this was a crazy ride, I can see how later I will be able to look back at it and think, that wasn't so bad.  Although I'm not technically a survivor yet, I will leave you with this; 

Top 10 Ways to Know You are a Cancer Survivor

10 Your alarm clock goes off at 6 a.m. and you're glad to hear it.
9. Your mother-in-law invites you to lunch and you just say NO.
8. You're back in the family rotation to take out the garbage.
7. When you no longer have an urge to choke the person who says,
"all you need to beat cancer is the right attitude."
6. When your dental floss runs out and you buy 1000 yards.
5. When you use your toothbrush to brush your teeth and not comb your hair.
4. You have a chance to buy additional life insurance but you buy a new convertible car instead.
3. Your doctor tells you to lose weight and do something about your
cholesterol and you actually listen.
2. When your biggest annual celebration is again your birthday, and not the day you were diagnosed.
1. When you use your Visa card more than your hospital parking pass

~Fierce Faith~

Crappy Chemo #4

I'm back! Not sure why it took me 3 weeks between posts.....partly sick, partly busy, partly lazy!! Well, I had chemo #4 today. It went well...had labwork this morning, then met with Dr. Nichols and then on to chemo...I think this was record time..was in chemo suite by 9:30 and out by 1pm!! James and I went to Olive Garden and had lunch together and then I did my usual after chemo...drove back to work and took a nap in the car before going in to work. I get benadryl with my chemo tx and it just really makes me tired, plus I usually dont sleep well when I start those dumb steroids!! The steroids do not allow me to sleep for more than an hour at a time, and they increase the hot flashes, and instigate the heartburn!!  Dr. Nichols gave me some prescriptions to use for my heartburn...I pray that these will help...uuuugggghhhh, its sooooo miserable!!! So now here I sit, wondering when its going to hit me, what its going to be like this time, how long its going to last??  I could sit and wonder, or just know that it is what it is and keep moving forward knowing that my body is being healed of cancer!!  I only have 2 treatments left, August 2nd & August 23rd.  Surgery is tentativly scheduled for September 19th. Im in the process of working out the details.  Its just amazing to think that this whole thing started April 5th, 2011 and just 5 months later I will be on the recovery side, the survivor side!!  It feels like it has been an eternity since diagnosis day, but when its all over to look back and think 5 months...thats not bad at all!  I do know I will have to add in some recovery time to my surgery...Dr. Nichols said 6-8 weeks for recovery!  I was thinking like 2!  Hahaha.  She kind of laughed when I said that...the laugh that meant "Good Luck with that"  lol   I also have to continue with the herceptin for a year, right now its every week, but after chemo is done it will be changed to every 3 weeks, but that has very little side effects....well other than the fact that it could weaken your heart muscle!!  I will have another EKG after my last chemo to make sure everything is all good, and then be checked again every 3 months.  I have to say this has been such a learning experience.   I am very excited to be able to help others with the information I have gathered and the journey Ive experienced.  I want to thank so many of you for all the prayers, meals, support....And thanks to those of you that have bought me hats and scarves!  I love them all, and its so fun to go to work with different hats each day!  Well, that is it for my rambling brain for tonight.  I love you all and I continue to feel the peace and comfort from your prayers.  Thank you so much!

~Fierce Faith~

Crappy Chemo #3

4:38 am! 4hours 32 minutes 27 seconds (but who's counting) until round 3! The last week has been great, I've felt good, energy level is up! Its amazing how that 1 great week totally prepares your mind to go in and do it all again. Not to mention my least fav side effect, (but maybe theres more to it than we know) is "chemo brain" I know I just simply forget those 4-7 crappy days! You women with kids can relate when you were pregnant...its like you're only functioning with half a brain! (For men..its like your every day life!) Haha, totally kidding! This is where a sense of humor and ALOT of grace from my friends and family is soooo important!! Funny story for ya: Mom meets me up at Chee Chees to pick out my wig, when we leave my car won't start. So, I get out the jumper cables...imagine if you will....sweet little nanny (who's knowledge of cars is that it gets her to the mall for shopping, lol!) Although she's assisted in more than a handful of these jumpings...all with my car! & then you got me...mush brain.... so, everythings hooked up, we start the cars, yiiipppe, it worked! We disconnect the jumper cables, I go to put my hood down...and the few working brain cells say " make sure you have your keys before you close the hood" Im rubbing my pockets, looking to see if I set them near the battery...now Im in a panic!! No sooner do the words come out of my mouth, "I can't find my keys!" That I look at mom and realize my car is running!! Hahaha! I suppose that could have had a more severe outcome than it did! Lol So, if any of you have been waiting for God to reveal something to you, or answer a prayer...give him some time...he's been workin overtime with me lately! Lol The real scary thing is that I then get behind the wheel and drive down the same streets many of you are driving on!! So, watch out for 16 year olds, and chemo patients!! Lol

Ok...So here we go #3...the halfway point! Its so hard to believe its only been 2 1/2 months since the life changing news! It feels like an eternity, yet so much has happened so fast! I will never be happy that I had cancer, but I will ALWAYS be greatful for how it changed my life; how close it has brought my family, the blessings Ive received, the strength I've been given, the fears Ive been faced with...and overcome! The opportunity to see through hurting eyes! So many many things that have changed me and who I am and how I think and how I look at others, FOREVER. Life is precious, you never know what will happen tomorrow....live each day as if it were your last...Love! Laugh! Hug! Say I'm sorry! Say I love you! Say Thank you! Appreciate what you've been given! No regrets!! Love you all!
~Fierce Faith~

??

Well, I'm sitting at ccnw for my weekly herceptin infusion.....so many emotions...I look at all these people around me, all different walks of life. 14 chairs.....all filled by someone that has been diagnosed with some form of cancer. I can't help but ask all the "W's"........ What is cancer....Where did it come from? Why these people? Why me?!?
I could sit and wonder these un-answerable questions all day, but it only makes me feel worse. Instead, I will focus on the amazing things I love in my life...the things that make sense to me...the things I choose! My friends, my family, my savior! Thank you to all those that continue to pray for my family and I. That continue to support "Team Steph" I am so lucky to have all of your love and prayers!

God Bless ~Fierce Faith~

Bad blogger!

Its official...I am a bad blogger! Promised I'd post at my last chemo, and here we are a week and a half later! (I started this on June 8th....but it is now Saturday June 11th!! )So, a quick catch up...round 2 went really well, I was out in 3 1/2 hours. Mom was there keeping me company! Felt good Wed. and Thurs. By Friday I was really tired and had horrible heart burn. Symptoms not as severe as the first tx. But Monday and Tuesday and still today, mouth sores, sore throat & nausea! And I still have heart burn. All in all not nearly as bad as the first time, but lots more fatigue. Which I think is normal with each additional tx. I guess I just have a new "normal"
I did get a wig! My amazing coworkers collected enough money to get me a human hair wig from Chee Chees. I just got it yesterday. Chee Chee cut and styled it, and showed me how to care for it. I will post a pic....still trying to get used to it myself! My scalp is so sensitive right now. All the little stubbles are slowly coming out.
Today is a good day! Weve got the Liberty Lake yard sales, the farmers market, and nice weather! So, I am going to enjoy this time with friends and family! I have so much I want to post, but my mind is running so fast! So this is it for now.
Love you all ~fierce fairh~

Chemo Eve

Twas the night before chemo and all through the house not a creature was stirring....except for me! Lol Last steroid taken at a quarter to five...my body's not sleepin, its ready to drive.....the vacuum!! Ok, I'll stop. Just wanted to get out a quick post before round 2 of UCFC. I will be sure to post once we step into the ring again. 6-1-11 cancer vs chemo. I'm feeling great, ready to fight the aftermath of chemo again! I've got my bag packed, lots of books and drinks (no they do not contain alcohol) Keep the prayers coming. Until tomorrow....good night!

Love ~Fierce Faith ~

Hair today....Gone tomorrow

Again, I apologize for so long between posts! When I feel good, I am so busy working and keeping ahead of cleaning and laundry, I just don't take the time to sit down and post.
Well....as I was mentioning in my last post my hair was slowly coming to an end....on Thursday at 11am, I had to let it all go!!! LOL From Monday to Thursday it changed from coming out in my fingers if Id run my hands through it to being able to pull chunks out from the root. I couldn't do anything with it, so my dear hairdresser (and best friend) met me at her salon with pink balloons and a dozen pink roses for a farewell to my beloved hair!! Mom was there as well with her camera in hand! Some tears were shed not just by us but by other hairdressers and clients of the salon, they were all so supportive showing amazing love and uplifting me with compliments and hugs that it will soon grow back. I have to say it was a pretty big shock, but I was so grateful to see that my head was free of moles, birthmarks, fat rolls, etc!!  I am now in the market for cute hats!  I am still trying to find the right wig....havent found "the one" yet, but I am completely content with hats.  I didnt think I'd like scarves, but have seen some pretty cute ones.  So, I guess I would have to say I am adjusting rather well to my "chrome dome"  Another hurdle on my journey that is now behind me. 


My 2nd Chemo was moved from the 31st to June 1st.  So, Wednesday at 8am I start round 2 of the UCFC.   The good news.....I know what to expect this time.  The bad news.....I know what to expect this time!  Lol  I saw a quote on a preview for a new movie that said, "There is no force on Earth more powerful than the will to live"  I will take this quote through my darkest days of round 2.  I will fight like a girl!!!  I will prove to God that he has the right player in the right position for what he has called me to do! I will strive to be an inspiration to my family & friends, and anyone faced with cancer and the loved ones that support them.  I have the will to live and I WILL be a survivor!! 

I love you all!  Fierce Faith

My Chrome Dome Posse'

Brother Jason, John, me & James

Great weekend

Hi everyone...I had an amazing weekend, feeling great. Aliyah had her kindergarten bbq on friday, and I still had hair! (She had mentioned earlier that it would be ok for me to come even if I was bald!) Lol Had Aliyahs bday party at Chuck E Cheese on saturday...that was a huge success..lots of friends were able to make it. (Thank you everyone for making her day so special) And on Sunday we had family pictures...and I still had hair!! Pictures were amazing! I can't wait to get them, we had lots of fun being the goofy family that we are! (Thank you Kari for that amazing gift!) I had a post op Dr. appt today, that went well. 13 since chemo...blood counts were all good, platelets were low, I go in tomorrow for my herceptin infusion, so I will see what they want to do then. I feel great! So glad since its just a week away and I get to do it all over again!! Man that time went fast! My big news is.....my hair started falling out today! Not in big clumps, but if I run my fingers through it, I end up with quite a bit in my hand. Its really kind of freaky. I went down and tried on wigs this afternoon...that was interesting! They all just looked so fake to me...they looked awesome on the bald manequin, but when I put them on, it looked like a big nest on my head! Haha. I have such fine, thin hair. It looked weird having a full, thick head of hair, which Is what I've always wanted! I did find one I liked, and they can order it in a color very close to my own. I'm going to look at a couple more places, I know I don't have but a couple days left with my own hair!! Sad, but I knew it was coming. Other than that we are all hangin in there, taking life 1 day at a time...counting all our blessings! Thank you all for your tremendous love and support..somedays I wouldn't make it through without the encouragement from many of you.

Love you--fierce faith <3

Human again?!?

Hi everyone! I think Im on the mend now from round 1 of chemo!! Holy Shit, I ain't gonna lie...that SUCKED!! Still not back at 100%, but I don't think I will be until chemo is done. Im well on my way to losing my 30 lbs in 30 days! Thanks to everyone who brought us amazing food!! My family is loving it...we've had; pasta, chili, meatloaf, tacos, chicken alfredo, enchiladas, WOW! Looks and smells delicious! My appetite has been pretty much nothing...I've been eating bananas, yogurt, and popsicles!! Oooh and vanilla milkshakes! Those are my favorite!! Sunday evening when I started feeling human again I was craving cheese pizza...wasnt sure how it would do on my stomach, but at that point popsicles and bananas werent doing any better!! I had 2 pieces of papa murphys cheese pizza!! It was soooooo good!! Sunday night was horrible...not sure what happened, but Im pretty sure I had an anxiety attack....breathing was hard, I couldn't get comfortable, ended up taking a shower to hopefully try to relax, didn't help as much as I'd hoped, but eventually I was able to fall asleep. James ended up staying home with me. That was comforting. So, it is safe to say I have my first battle under my belt! If I only have to do 4 treatments instead of 6, Im 25% of the way!!! Im not sure how they decide, but let's all pray for 4!! Although I'm not looking forward to round 2, knowing I will be half way through it, is very comforting! So for now, I'm going to enjoy my days of feeling human again!

I'll leave ya with a little story;
Aliyah came home from school one day and said, "I wish I didn't tell one of my friends that you had cancer because she made fun of you." Mommy kindly replied, "its ok Aliyah, she probably doesn't really understand. And its ok to tell her that hurts your feelings." Then chemo bitch piped in...." And if she does it again, punch her in the face!!!" Lol Hey mama bear is just trying to protect her cub....the kids are dealing with enough as it is!

Love you all and God bless.....Fierce Faith!

#1 Fan

My first and #1 fan in the "chrome dome" club!!!

Anyone else?????

Fear or Faith?

Wow!! Today was a true test....we all felt the effects of chemo today. Faith and fear cannot reside in the same body, and this morning my body, my mind, my everything was covered in fear. I owe a HUGE thanks to my amazing husband, my kids, mom & dad, Heather, Shasta, Darcy & Kari for getting me through today! Whether your hugs, your words, your prayer, or your big comfy recliner (thanks dad..this is like heaven!) you all had a huge impact on my day! I had one hell of a night..and it got worse as the day went on...nausea, NO sleep, body aches, sore mouth/throat, rash on chest & neck.....i cried all day....I felt defeated, beat down....hurting!! No matter how hard I tried, I could not pull myself out of despair! Over and over I kept hearing...faith or fear? God was right here...open arms....and I was scared..trying to get through this on my own. So now here I am...slightly medicated...ok, well very medicated, but with the ability to think clearly again....remembering the very thing I stand on...FAITH...FIERCE FAITH!! and although this journey will be filled with ups and downxs....even in the deepest darkest moments, I will rise up in faith and let God do what he has already promised he will do! I will not let fear take over again!! Thanks again for everyone who is following along. Thanks for the prayers not just for me, but for my family as well. Thanks for crying with us during the tough times...and celebrating the small triumphs!

I love you all so very much!
Fierce Faith

UCFC (ultimate cancer fighting championship)

Thought all you UFC fans might get a kick out of this post!

Here we go....the current champion of the world....chemo....just stepped into the ring...my body....to battle his new opponent!! Chemo is off to a butt kicking start! I must say it was a rough start for me....took the 3rd nurse to finally access my port, but once it was in...smooth sailin! I've got tons of naseau meds already on board, plus lots on hand! I also started a steroid yesterday, I take for 3 days..that had me up all night...probably shouldn't have taken second dose at 11pm! Haha...so anyway, this blog is short and sweet...we've got 3-5 more treatments and were walking in faith with God that this cancer will be destroyed and never to return!

Until next time....forever in faith!

Surgery on friday went well. I am still recovering with limited use of both arms! I'm not sleeping great as I can only lay on my back...I am now experiencing back aches, neck pain, and horrible headaches from my one sleep position! I do have to say the staff at Deaconess was amazing! This was my first surgery and a very scary thing..they were all so encouraging and explained everything as we went along. The OR was just like I imagined from TV. Big, cold and scary! Lol The anesthesiologist helped me prepare for my little nap...as I was drifting off she was talking about a warm sunny place..she mentioned something about the kids all playing and getting along...ZZZZZZZ...surgery went well I was told!! Now for recovery...I just remember having the hardest time staying awake. I could hear the guy beside me gagging and making the strangest sounds. I was trying to focus and I think I only had 1 eye open trying to see what was going on...once I saw the trough looking thing hanging off his face I decided it would be better to not see! I then remember feeling the pain of the surgery sites..they were both pounding. I was also beginning to feel a little sick myself..the nurse gave me some anti-naseua meds and instantly I felt better. Then I got some pain meds and we were free to go home. Sunday was rough...I got up and ready to take a shower..after James and I strategically working to get my tshirt off...I stepped in the shower and just cried...its all real now...I could feel it, I could see it, I am fighting cancer!! The cuts and bruises were too much to look at. I could barely move my arms to wash my hair. I gave up..stepped out of the shower and just stood there...helpless! That was the reality..I can't do it all anymore. Tomorrow I start chemo at 9:30 am...I'm ready, yet scared....knowing that its gonna get worse, but praying for tremendous strength and comfort!
Feel free to stop and sat hi on my chemo days..as long as your not sick, we welcome company. I will be at CCNW on Sherman. Thank you again for the prayers and support.
Love you all....fierce faith!

little distractions

I've learned that Im not that good at blogging!! I feel like I've got so much going on with work...appointments....my family....by the time I think I get the chance to write something I get interupted...(like just now...Isaiah & Aliyah just ran in tattling on each other...LOL it never fails!!) Ok, so here's the update. In the last week I've had a crown put on my molar, an echocardiogram, chemo class, & a PET/CT scan!! Im anxiously awaiting results of the PET scan to hear that the cancer has NOT spread!!! (Interuption from Aliyah) On Friday the 6th I have a minor surgery to remove some lymphnodes for a biopsy and to get the port for chemo. And then...Chemo begins on Tuesday May 10th at 9:30 am. They say about 5-6 hours. Blah!! (Heres Aliyah...again) 24 hours after each chemo I go in for an injection that helps something with my bone marrow?!?! Im ready to move forward with this whole process, but oh so scared of the "unknowns" I know this is going to be when the kids really can see that mommy is sick. Isaiah whispers in my ear frequently..."Do you still have cancer?" It's so sweet yet so sad. Aliyah has an end of Kindergarten bbq at school and she told me she really wants me to be there, and that its ok if Im bald! (In enters Isaiah!) I know we will all get through this, but what hurts so much is wondering what the kids are thinking/feeling. I know they have great support groups for kids and I am sure they will do fine, but I know they will miss mommy not being up and running around the house all the time. (And yet another interuption, somehow Isaiahs fingers got hit with a ruler...but Austin isnt sure how it happened??) Usually it would be this point where I turn off the computer and try again later...but I am determined to finish this post!!! Anyway, as we put on our helmets and tighten our chin straps to battle this thing head on, please continue to pray for comfort, peace, and strenth! I know many of you pray each day, I can feel it! Thanks to everyone for the cards, flowers, books, food, etc. We all appreciate it very much. Love you all soo much!
Until next time.....4ever in Faith <3

Clarity

Well, its only been 3 weeks since diagnosis and it feels like its been an eternity. I've learned more than I ever wanted to know about oncology, tumors, cells, chemo, etc. I think yesterday the reality of this all finally sunk in. I will try my best to throw some humor in this, but Im at a low point right now. Yesterdays visit with Dr. Joni Nichols was amazing yet gut wrenching. She is an amazing, comforting, sincere doctor. She layed it all out for me...some of it I retained...some of it I need to ask about again. I've asked several people to pray for clarity in some of these huge decisions I have to make, and yesterday I received the answers to your prayer. My path of treatment is very clear with a few things that will just depend on whether or not this cancer has spread anywhere else in my body. I will be starting with chemo. Im scheduled next friday to have a minor surgery in which they will place a port in my chest for the chemo treatments. I guess its like a plug in for the IV (YUCK!!) I tried to get out of it because I didnt want to feel like the bionic woman...(Or man once Im bald) But she told me that was my only option, I will need to keep the port for a year since I will need a specific drug to treat the HER2+ aspect of the tumor. Oh well, I tried!! I will also have some lymphnodes removed to be tested. somewhere between now and then I will also go in for a PET/CT scan. I've had some random symptoms that she just wants to rule out any possibility that the cancer may have spread. So, after all that I came right home and went straight to Google! I've been banned from Google by friends and family, although I have not listened to them! Ha. I am now called the "googlewhore" LOL I am up around 5am googling random things like...."will my eyebrows fall out during chemo?" or "Does Starbucks coffee cause breast cancer?" Whatever my crazy brain is thinking...Google has an answer for. The nice thing about it is...I can search until I find the answer I like!! I try to stay with reputable sources/websites, but every now and then I find myself somewhere I'd rather not be reading horror stories. Gotta love the bathroom stall of the world, otherwise known as the internet!! I always end with a thanks to everyone. I would not be as strong or as brave without the many of you I have in my life. Many of you have made me who I am today. God continues to bless my life each and every day through the friends that he puts in my path. Keep up the prayers, positive thoughts, mojo, whatever it is you send my way...its working, and I continue to feel the love you all send. Until next time...4ever in Faith

Doctor Doctor??

Doctor Doctor on the wall....who's the wisest of them all?? Hahaha! Well I met with Dr. Parviz, really liked her. So that's good! I meet with Joni Nichols...chemo doc on Monday. Excited bout that...I've heard nothing but great things about her. New plan may be chemo first, then surgery!! Aaaaaagggghhhh, I'm ready to be bald, but not this soon!! I really don't think I'm ready to be bald. Lol My head is spinning with all the different recomendations so I don't think I will even try to post anything yet, I think it would come out as a garbled mess! Met another survivor today at the kids' dentist...and guess what....her hair came back with some curl! Im tellin ya....I will have curly hair! And she told me about the"chemo diet" 30 lbs in 30 days! No pain, no gain, right? Right? One more amazing thing...Props to the staff at horizon credit union! Specifically Denise for putting our name in. The staff pays to wear jeans on fridays...the money they collect goes to someone in the community going through a tough time. We got a letter saying $450 was deposited into an account for us! How awesome is that! How come stuff like that is never on the news? Instead we hear the dipstick talkin about..."hide yer kids....hide yer wife..." And if you don't know what Im talking about.....where have you been?? Lol There are amazing people all around us!! I am so blessed to have so many of you in my life...praying, fighting, and standing in faith with me and my family during this time in my life. Thank you all again for your encouraging words and prayers...I feel them everyday! Love you all!

It is what it is...accept it!

Well...its been 2 weeks now. Ive accepted the fact that I have cancer...although it still sounds weird to hear...but I know this is just part of my mission to glorify God. I've done alot of soul searching these past 2 weeks and my relationship with my heavenly father couldn't be any closer. So, what's next? Tomorrow I meet with a new surgical oncologist for a second opinion. I originally started with rockwood, but cancer care northwest came highly recommended. I figure this is my body, a huge step, I better feel confident with the surgeon. I just didn't feel that with the first oncologist. Just to let you know the "plan", I'm looking at a bi-latetal mastectomy with reconstructive surgery. Sounds so....medical......basically, get rid of the old boobs and get a new pair!! Younger ones!! That haven't gone through 3 pregnancies!! Depending on what they find after surgery will determine my chemo. The Pathology report and MRI are showing 2 different sizes of the tumor. My question....will I lose my hair? Absolutely! Was the answer. SAWEET! I already know what I will look like bald...my brother! Haha. I definatly see wigs in my future! I've heard hair can come back thicker or curly, so Im banking on beautiful curly hair when Im done with this...one hell of a perm, huh? I totally believe in the power of the spoken word, and a positive attitude. I could take this experience and feel sorry for myself, or I can turn it around and show my humorous approach on life. I know I will have bad days, but I CHOOSE to make the best of them! I can't thank you all enough for all the support. Love you all!

I have what??

It's amazing how fast life can change from one day to the next. This is exactly what happened to my life and my family just 10 days ago. Welcome to my....our......journey with breast cancer. On March 28 I went to the doctor for what I thought was just a long over due physical. I'd been feeling a little tired, but never guessed how that 1 long overdue appt would forever change my life. The doctor found a small lump in my right breast..it's probably just a cyst she said but you should get it checked out. 2 days later I was getting my first mammogram and ultrasound. It's not a cyst I was told...more like a "mass" The next step....needle biopsy. My emotional roller coaster is now in motion! They scheduled an appointment after my biopsy to get the results. 4 days later.....just 8 days from my first visit to the doctor, James and I were told that my biopsy had come back positive for breast cancer. 37 years old....no family history...how could this be?!? As the doctor went into details, I remember feeling numb. I couldn't look at James. I was trying to process what she was saying, but I just kept thinking about my family. How would we tell the kids? That all took place on April 5, 2011. The day that changed my families life forever. So, the last 2 weeks I've been praying for God to walk with me and comfort me in the many hard decisions ahead. I'm thankful for all of my amazing friends and family. This begins our story....one of perserverance.....one of faith....one of triumph! Thank you to all of you reading this for your support and prayer.