Im full of emotion right now, Im excited, Im scared, Im anxious, Im lost, Im grateful, Im sad, Im joyful. From one moment to another Im laughing or Im crying. Why is it in the excitement of knowing this is my final chemo....fear has to creep into my mind?? Im so ready to be finished with the crappy way chemo makes me feel, but the peace it gives me knowing that it is destroying ANY cancer in my body is somewhat reassuring. Now to think I wont have that anymore makes me fearful. I've told so many people that fear and faith cannot reside in the same body....let go of the fear and let God fill your body, your mind, your everything with faith in him!! I name my blog "Fierce Faith" And here I sit on my final chemo eve (well more like chemo dawn} in fear????? I was fortunate enough to have an amazing friend Heather still awake at 2am that I could text with to reassure me of our amazing God...and Healer! I am just so grateful for the support I've had through this journey. I've got 2 chemo angels that send me things in the mail about every other day or so!! They are cancer survivors themselves, and they send cards, coffee, notepads, candles, encouraging letters, etc. It is truly amazing, and I've got many newfound friends in the cancer world. I love and appreciate everyone of you supporting me and my family, but I love it when I can say my finger nails hurt...and the other person can completely relate!!
Started my steroid dose today....that is the med that the Dr told me in the beginning makes you mean! I dont think I remembered which drug it was before, but that is definatly the one??? Im sure of it after today....I get so aggitated and angry and then things just come out of my mouth without any thought! I appologize to any of you that have been on the receiving end of that, but unfortunatly I think its mainly been my husband and kids. :(
And then theres that.....my kids.....I never had to feel what they are feeling or wonder what they are wondering. We didnt have anyone with cancer in our family when I was growing up, or even still for that matter! I know Aliyahs heart and fears she shows it all the time, but the others are pretty to them selves about the whole thing. Although its probably hard for them sometimes, I also know this is going to make them so much more relateable to others and allow them opportunities to encourage and help friends with their stories of our journey. I've read it and hear it a thousand times, When I was diagnosed with cancer...my family was diagnosed with cancer as well!! I know kids are so resiliant, but I cant help but want to protect them all and ensure they are not feeling the fear that I sometimes feel!
On another note...my nose has been sooooo runny since my last herceptin tx?? One thing I DO NOT recommend is eating hot tamales candy while experiencing the chemo nasal drip! lol We were out with the kids at trade a game and I put my quarter in the little candy machine thinking mmmmmm hot tamales sound good....the first one was kind of hot, but it was #2 and #3 that put me over the edge! I don't know if you have seen kangaroo jack when the kangaroo eats the atomic fireball...LOL...but that is how I felt, I was trying to dig in my purse for a tissue but I couldn't look down because my nose would literally drip out! Approximately 3 times this happened when I would look down and then I thought at this point someone has to have seen me, so my wonderful husband asked the guy behind the desk if he had a tissue. I took one and we continued to wait for the boys to trade their games...the guy then came over to that counter with the whole box of tissues and set them down for me! Hahaha, he was obviously the one that saw. LOL
Earlier in the day I was walking back from checking the mail and the fear I've had from the first day I lost my hair happened.....my hat blew off!! Once again, I'm sure SOMEONE saw, but I just picked it up and continued down the street like nothing happened! lol At this point you just have to throw pride out the window and roll with the punches!!
OK....I just realized its after 3am now....I have to be downtown by 8:50....good thing I don't have to do my hair!!! I'm very exicted to be done with chemo....I wish I could sing....Nah Nah, Nah Nah Nah Nah, Hey Hey Hey...Goodbye!! Well I suppose I could, but unfortunately I still have to go to the chemo suite for another 8 months for my herceptin...Boo!! But the side effects are not nearly as bad as the "crappy chemo" days. So many more of you may be able to catch one of my nasal drip episodes! Well I'm off to get my rest for the big day....excited that Austin and Shaiya will be there to celebrate with me my last crappy chemo!! Love you all, Good Night! ~Fierce Faith~
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