Another 1 year Milestone

September 19th, 2011......A day I thought I'd never forget, yet as the days, months, YEAR went by....I think I have kind of forgot about it!!  I read through some old posts on my blog and on facebook to "get me in the mood"  LOL  Even though I dont remember some things, the feeling is very much still here.  As soon as I begin reading, that pit in my stomach returns...that lump in my throat...that tear in my eye!  My prayer over time is not that I forget everything, but that I just get past it!!  Its always going to be a part of me.....a bump in my road of life.  I want to be able to use my story to inspire others and for that very reason, I cant forget it!  1 year ago today....surgery eve....I was scared, anxious, excited, nervous, etc.  I kind of knew what to expect, but I had no idea the emotional roller coaster the next year would bring.  A new body that had been touched by cancer and all the things that come with it.  Going through cancer was the easy part looking back....Friends and Family swooped in, picked me up when I was down, cooked for us, cleaned for us, emotionally supported me.  I had gifts pouring in, encouraging phone calls, letters, cards.  I didnt have to even think on my own....someone was always here to do it for me.  LOL  But when it was all over....when I had that last herceptin appt in May....that last PET scan....that last biopsy....that last appt to say everything looks good!  See ya in 3 months!  My heart sank....Now what do I do??  I've got this scarred body, fuzzy hair, and LOTS of emotions!!  So in the last 4 months of no appointments, I've done alot of thinking, soul searching, praying.  In April, the hats came off, I finally started rockin the short hair...and although I have twice as much as I had then....its still hard to look at sometimes.  My scars are lightening and Im getting used to the "new" me, but its still hard to look at sometimes.  Its now time to move on....Wow.....what a whirlwind year!!  Now that its all over.....I walk with my God...I cry to him....I thank him for seeing me through all of this....I ask him to show me how to move forward each and every day....I ask him to take the pain away....the fears away....I ask him to lead me into the lives of others I can impact....I ask him to put others in my life that may impact me.....and then I listen, and as he answers my prayers, I am reminded of Gods amazing grace and his perfect timing. 
Many of you know about the bracelets my mom and dad had made for me....Fierce Faith Team Steph.....they were a reminder to me during my time of sickness of the many people I had on my team, walking with me, praying for me.  I have not taken mine off since we got them over a year ago....but today I will take the bracelet off...and I ask any of you still wearing yours, to take it off.  It is a closing to this chapter in my life.  September 19th, 2011....I slept most of that day....but today September 19th, 2012...I will be awake....I am so thankful for everything and everyone that impacted my life over the past year.  As I continue my lifes journey, I will forever be thankful to those of you that helped me through my journey with cancer.
 I know I will, and I hope you will, forever have FIERCE FAITH!!

LOVE YOU ALL!!!!

Full Moon--Full Heart

As I started writing this it was August 2nd, 2012.  I know by the time I hit "publish" it will be tomorrow....August 3rd.  Why does it matter???  Because today....August 2nd, 2011 I was sitting at CCNW enduring round 5 of chemo....Its hard to put into words the anticipation of knowing in the next 2-3 days how these drugs are going to take over your body!?!?  Its been a real crazy week.....I wont even get into the personal garbage, but when I think back to 1 year ago, Im forced to ask myself.....Is this really that bad??  Its an amazing thing how cancer can put back into perspective whats really that bad!!  These little trivial things in my life can either derail me....or I can remember the days of fighting through chemo looking at the terrified looks in my kids' eyes as they just wanted mommy to get up!  They just wanted to know I was going to be ok.....I will never forget as long as I live how Isaiah and Aliyah just wanted to know that I would be able to pick them up again!  And I'll tell ya what........as soon as I had recovered from my surgery....I picked them up and held them...something so small to any other child, but to my kids it meant mommy is going to be ok!!  So today.....as I chalk up my weird week to the full moon....hahaha....I realize how much worse it could be....how much worse it WAS. 
The main reason for my full heart is for the concern of a best friend that just heard the earth shattering words...."Your biospy came back positive....You have breast cancer."   Uuuuuuuggghhhh....I think it hurts just as much as when I heard it for myself.  If theres one thing Ive never been able to deal with, its watching someone close suffer and not really know how to help. Im angry again.....Im upset.....Im scared.....did I mention Im mad??  I would do anything to not have to see another person get diagnosed with Cancer.  What God has revealed to me.....today.....is that I am now going to be that person I had in my life during my treatment....that 1 person that knew what all the big words meant....that 1 person that understood when my fingernails hurt....that 1 person that was living proof that I could do this.  That 1 person that I grew up with, that knew me inside and out...Wow, what a blessing to be called to be that 1 person for her!  I had many of you that were there with me every step of the way.....but there is just nothing like having someone whos walked in your shoes, telling you I had that, I remember that, here try this, it will go away, etc. This is another part of my Fierce Faith test.....another reminder that there is no guarantee in life, are you going to live each day saying lifes not fair or are you going to live for each moment.....my pastor said...."Imagine if tomorrow when you woke up all you had was what you thanked God for yesterday."   Ooooooh, creepy huh?!  Did you thank God for your spouse, kids, family, job, house, health, church, clothes, finances, cars, toys, food, and the list goes on and on and on......Or did you just cry out the usual cry of why lord is this happening to me, why arent you listening??   Dont get me wrong....I do that too, but I also remember to thank him for all my many blessings.  Is breast cancer the worst thing I could have been diagnosed with?  Absolutely not!!  Did it turn my world upside down?  You bet it did!!  But now Im able to think clearer, laugh often, love more, and thank God for the little things.  As I begin phase II of Fierce Faith, I am excited to see how God is going to continue to show me his ultimate plan for my life!!

~Fierce Faith~

Frienemies!!

Tonight I say goodbye to a dear friend.....well I don't know if I'd say dear friend. We've had quite the roller coaster friendship for just over a year. I wasnt too excited about letting you into my life....as a matter of fact I tried to say I didnt need you, but I didnt get a choice, we were kind of told we would be meeting soon! I was actually asleep when we were introduced, but when I woke up I knew you were close to my heart. HaHa We didnt hit it off so great at the start....you caused me so much pain, I often wondered how I would live with you in my life for the next year. Now I cant be completely selfish....you had quite a job to accomplish yourself! All those times of getting poked and pinched....and the toxins that you had to allow through you...its no wonder you tried to hide some times!! I am so excited to say that tomorrow we will part our ways. (Kind of) Your mission is accomplished...together we endured 6 rounds of chemo....1 year of herceptin....a couple radioactive PET scans!! Thats quite a bit for 1 little port!! Tomorrow I will actually get to see you....and make you into a magnet to hang on my fridge to forever remind me of the love/hate relationship we had!!! I will get to sleep on my side once again and not have to worry about squishing you! Aaaaaaw to sleep on my side again!!   So tonight I sing a song to you my port.........
Nah Nah...Nah Nah Nah Nah.....Hey Hey Hey......GOODBYE!!!

~Fierce Faith~

Emotional Healing

Well, here we are......Almost 1 year from my Diagnosaversary! April 5th, 2011. But this is the month it all came to a head....the month I started really listening to my body.....noticing the signs God was giving me! I have never experienced losing a super close loved one, but I've always heard the 1sts over the following year are the hardest to get through. I feel like I am starting my year of "Firsts" Like I had mentioned, this is the month I started noticing the signs that something just wasnt right in my body. Although I didnt have any major ailments, all the small things were enough to send me to the doctor for a long overdue physical. So, March 28th, 2011...Dr. Ashley found the lump. As I get closer to this day 1 year later, the feelings all come rushing back! It felt as if the year flew by in a whirlwind of appointments, chemo, sickness, surgery, recovery, etc. I was just going through the motions, that I dont think I really ever processed emotionally what I was going through. Now, as I look back on those things, I feel my world shaking around me. My emotions are at an all time high as I process what I wasnt able to a year ago. As I head into my year of firsts, I will cling to God to remind me that I am alive and I made it! I do not have cancer, but the scars both physically and emotionally are a constant reminder that I once did! I feel like this year I will re-face the fears I faced a year ago and it will be such an emotional cleansing for me. I will look back on all my firsts and realize the strength I gained.....First mammogram, First ultrasound, First needle biopsy, First PET scan, First CT scan, First MRI, First surgery, First time port was accessed, First time seeing my bruised cut body, First Chemo, First effects of chemo, First time being bald, First hat, First wig, and the list goes on and on!!! Although I have some fears heading into this year, I will put on my helmet, buckle my chin strap, and face these things head on with "FIERCE FAITH" It seems so weird that I am feeling this way when last year was the tough year, but I think the battle of my mind takes twice as much fight as the physical battle I've already endured. I look forward to facing all my fears again, and moving forward to the bigger better life God has in store for me!!

God Bless you All.
~Fierce Faith~