Another 1 year Milestone

September 19th, 2011......A day I thought I'd never forget, yet as the days, months, YEAR went by....I think I have kind of forgot about it!!  I read through some old posts on my blog and on facebook to "get me in the mood"  LOL  Even though I dont remember some things, the feeling is very much still here.  As soon as I begin reading, that pit in my stomach returns...that lump in my throat...that tear in my eye!  My prayer over time is not that I forget everything, but that I just get past it!!  Its always going to be a part of me.....a bump in my road of life.  I want to be able to use my story to inspire others and for that very reason, I cant forget it!  1 year ago today....surgery eve....I was scared, anxious, excited, nervous, etc.  I kind of knew what to expect, but I had no idea the emotional roller coaster the next year would bring.  A new body that had been touched by cancer and all the things that come with it.  Going through cancer was the easy part looking back....Friends and Family swooped in, picked me up when I was down, cooked for us, cleaned for us, emotionally supported me.  I had gifts pouring in, encouraging phone calls, letters, cards.  I didnt have to even think on my own....someone was always here to do it for me.  LOL  But when it was all over....when I had that last herceptin appt in May....that last PET scan....that last biopsy....that last appt to say everything looks good!  See ya in 3 months!  My heart sank....Now what do I do??  I've got this scarred body, fuzzy hair, and LOTS of emotions!!  So in the last 4 months of no appointments, I've done alot of thinking, soul searching, praying.  In April, the hats came off, I finally started rockin the short hair...and although I have twice as much as I had then....its still hard to look at sometimes.  My scars are lightening and Im getting used to the "new" me, but its still hard to look at sometimes.  Its now time to move on....Wow.....what a whirlwind year!!  Now that its all over.....I walk with my God...I cry to him....I thank him for seeing me through all of this....I ask him to show me how to move forward each and every day....I ask him to take the pain away....the fears away....I ask him to lead me into the lives of others I can impact....I ask him to put others in my life that may impact me.....and then I listen, and as he answers my prayers, I am reminded of Gods amazing grace and his perfect timing. 
Many of you know about the bracelets my mom and dad had made for me....Fierce Faith Team Steph.....they were a reminder to me during my time of sickness of the many people I had on my team, walking with me, praying for me.  I have not taken mine off since we got them over a year ago....but today I will take the bracelet off...and I ask any of you still wearing yours, to take it off.  It is a closing to this chapter in my life.  September 19th, 2011....I slept most of that day....but today September 19th, 2012...I will be awake....I am so thankful for everything and everyone that impacted my life over the past year.  As I continue my lifes journey, I will forever be thankful to those of you that helped me through my journey with cancer.
 I know I will, and I hope you will, forever have FIERCE FAITH!!

LOVE YOU ALL!!!!

Full Moon--Full Heart

As I started writing this it was August 2nd, 2012.  I know by the time I hit "publish" it will be tomorrow....August 3rd.  Why does it matter???  Because today....August 2nd, 2011 I was sitting at CCNW enduring round 5 of chemo....Its hard to put into words the anticipation of knowing in the next 2-3 days how these drugs are going to take over your body!?!?  Its been a real crazy week.....I wont even get into the personal garbage, but when I think back to 1 year ago, Im forced to ask myself.....Is this really that bad??  Its an amazing thing how cancer can put back into perspective whats really that bad!!  These little trivial things in my life can either derail me....or I can remember the days of fighting through chemo looking at the terrified looks in my kids' eyes as they just wanted mommy to get up!  They just wanted to know I was going to be ok.....I will never forget as long as I live how Isaiah and Aliyah just wanted to know that I would be able to pick them up again!  And I'll tell ya what........as soon as I had recovered from my surgery....I picked them up and held them...something so small to any other child, but to my kids it meant mommy is going to be ok!!  So today.....as I chalk up my weird week to the full moon....hahaha....I realize how much worse it could be....how much worse it WAS. 
The main reason for my full heart is for the concern of a best friend that just heard the earth shattering words...."Your biospy came back positive....You have breast cancer."   Uuuuuuuggghhhh....I think it hurts just as much as when I heard it for myself.  If theres one thing Ive never been able to deal with, its watching someone close suffer and not really know how to help. Im angry again.....Im upset.....Im scared.....did I mention Im mad??  I would do anything to not have to see another person get diagnosed with Cancer.  What God has revealed to me.....today.....is that I am now going to be that person I had in my life during my treatment....that 1 person that knew what all the big words meant....that 1 person that understood when my fingernails hurt....that 1 person that was living proof that I could do this.  That 1 person that I grew up with, that knew me inside and out...Wow, what a blessing to be called to be that 1 person for her!  I had many of you that were there with me every step of the way.....but there is just nothing like having someone whos walked in your shoes, telling you I had that, I remember that, here try this, it will go away, etc. This is another part of my Fierce Faith test.....another reminder that there is no guarantee in life, are you going to live each day saying lifes not fair or are you going to live for each moment.....my pastor said...."Imagine if tomorrow when you woke up all you had was what you thanked God for yesterday."   Ooooooh, creepy huh?!  Did you thank God for your spouse, kids, family, job, house, health, church, clothes, finances, cars, toys, food, and the list goes on and on and on......Or did you just cry out the usual cry of why lord is this happening to me, why arent you listening??   Dont get me wrong....I do that too, but I also remember to thank him for all my many blessings.  Is breast cancer the worst thing I could have been diagnosed with?  Absolutely not!!  Did it turn my world upside down?  You bet it did!!  But now Im able to think clearer, laugh often, love more, and thank God for the little things.  As I begin phase II of Fierce Faith, I am excited to see how God is going to continue to show me his ultimate plan for my life!!

~Fierce Faith~

Frienemies!!

Tonight I say goodbye to a dear friend.....well I don't know if I'd say dear friend. We've had quite the roller coaster friendship for just over a year. I wasnt too excited about letting you into my life....as a matter of fact I tried to say I didnt need you, but I didnt get a choice, we were kind of told we would be meeting soon! I was actually asleep when we were introduced, but when I woke up I knew you were close to my heart. HaHa We didnt hit it off so great at the start....you caused me so much pain, I often wondered how I would live with you in my life for the next year. Now I cant be completely selfish....you had quite a job to accomplish yourself! All those times of getting poked and pinched....and the toxins that you had to allow through you...its no wonder you tried to hide some times!! I am so excited to say that tomorrow we will part our ways. (Kind of) Your mission is accomplished...together we endured 6 rounds of chemo....1 year of herceptin....a couple radioactive PET scans!! Thats quite a bit for 1 little port!! Tomorrow I will actually get to see you....and make you into a magnet to hang on my fridge to forever remind me of the love/hate relationship we had!!! I will get to sleep on my side once again and not have to worry about squishing you! Aaaaaaw to sleep on my side again!!   So tonight I sing a song to you my port.........
Nah Nah...Nah Nah Nah Nah.....Hey Hey Hey......GOODBYE!!!

~Fierce Faith~

Emotional Healing

Well, here we are......Almost 1 year from my Diagnosaversary! April 5th, 2011. But this is the month it all came to a head....the month I started really listening to my body.....noticing the signs God was giving me! I have never experienced losing a super close loved one, but I've always heard the 1sts over the following year are the hardest to get through. I feel like I am starting my year of "Firsts" Like I had mentioned, this is the month I started noticing the signs that something just wasnt right in my body. Although I didnt have any major ailments, all the small things were enough to send me to the doctor for a long overdue physical. So, March 28th, 2011...Dr. Ashley found the lump. As I get closer to this day 1 year later, the feelings all come rushing back! It felt as if the year flew by in a whirlwind of appointments, chemo, sickness, surgery, recovery, etc. I was just going through the motions, that I dont think I really ever processed emotionally what I was going through. Now, as I look back on those things, I feel my world shaking around me. My emotions are at an all time high as I process what I wasnt able to a year ago. As I head into my year of firsts, I will cling to God to remind me that I am alive and I made it! I do not have cancer, but the scars both physically and emotionally are a constant reminder that I once did! I feel like this year I will re-face the fears I faced a year ago and it will be such an emotional cleansing for me. I will look back on all my firsts and realize the strength I gained.....First mammogram, First ultrasound, First needle biopsy, First PET scan, First CT scan, First MRI, First surgery, First time port was accessed, First time seeing my bruised cut body, First Chemo, First effects of chemo, First time being bald, First hat, First wig, and the list goes on and on!!! Although I have some fears heading into this year, I will put on my helmet, buckle my chin strap, and face these things head on with "FIERCE FAITH" It seems so weird that I am feeling this way when last year was the tough year, but I think the battle of my mind takes twice as much fight as the physical battle I've already endured. I look forward to facing all my fears again, and moving forward to the bigger better life God has in store for me!!

God Bless you All.
~Fierce Faith~

Fierce Faith

By definition faith is....complete trust or confidence in something or someone. To me that means complete trust and confidence that God and the wonderful advancements in medicine has rid my body completely of cancer.  That I can live my life worry free.....That cancer will NOT ever return.  I have learned on this journey the true meaning of faith.  To "have faith"  is not always the easiest thing to do!  It is not just a feeling you have, or something that is just there.  It is actually an action word....something you have to think about and work on all the time.  Its something you have to seek...in prayer....in scripture....in yourself.  It is something that you have to constantly work for.  When I first decided to blog my cancer journey I thought of  many many names that were already taken...it literally took me days.  I truly believe that the title of my blog...."Fierce Faith"  was no accident in Gods plan.....this too was going to be part of my test.  What I thought was faith back on April 5th, was just a fraction of the faith I have now.  Fierce faith is now a part of my life that I will never ever let go of.....I will never let the fact that I had cancer define me as a person....but who I became along the way and the fierce faith that I had to cling to will always be a part of who I am today. 

I had people make bracelets, tshirts, walk in relays, create a team in my honor.......all of which carried out my "FIERCE FAITH" mission!!  Im truly blessed and honored to have such amazing people in my life.  Some of which I'd never even met that knew my story & someone from my family and chose to support my journey! 

God Bless you all & Thank you for your amazing support!!

~Fierce Faith~

ThanksLIVING

I will never stop being amazed at Gods perfect timing in my life! I mean I couldn't ask for a better time to be feeling better than I have in months! Just before my favorite time of the year...the holidays!! We begin with November.....the month of Thanksgiving! And I have sooooo much to be thankful for! I will tell you the title of this post I had to steal from a friend...she and her family were in a car accident a few months ago that nearly took her life...as she continues her fight to walk again and heal from all the injuries she said...thanksgiving, more like thanksliving! A near death experience definatly makes you look at life a litte different! I have chose to live EVERYDAY with thanks. Just something as simple as being thankful for waking up...the sun....the moon....my hair....etc. We (my family) used to go day after day without really thinking of all the wonderful things around us we have to be thankful for. Now we wake up every morning and before we leave the house we all write down on a dry erase board what we are thankful for! I love seeing the things my children will write....sports, sally (the hamster), Justin Bieber, friends. And then they will shock me and put....Freedom, the healing of my moms body, the world that God created!! That makes me proud!! What my kids have gone through since April 5, 2011 I would never wish on any child, but WOW how they have grown through it! And for that...I AM THANKFUL!
In everything you can choose to find the good or the bad...I choose good!  
                                Glory to Glory!
I was diagnosed with cancer...I am now cancer free!     Glory to Glory!
I lost my hair...Its growing back!!    Glory to Glory!!
I had my boobs removed.......I have new ones, and a tummy tuck!!   Glory to Glory!
My family suffered......we are now closer than ever!!   Glory to Glory!!
How are we going to afford all this?........God provided!!  Glory to Glory to Glory!!!!

Thank you God for opening up my eyes....for reminding me everyday of all the blessings I have been given......for continuing to bless my family.......For my life! 

Happy ThanksLIVING everyone!
~Fierce Faith~

30 days later

I cannot believe it has already been 1 month since I had my surgery. And over a month since my last post! So much has happened over the last month.....so hard to believe that 30 days ago I had cancer....and today, it is gone!! My week in the hospital was not so much a mini vacation as I had hoped. Mom & I arrived promptly at 5:30 am. Went through the check in process....got my IV in place.....Dr. Oliva came in and drew pictures on my body as to where they would cut, nip & tuck! As the time drew closer, my anxiety increased! Then in comes the anesthesiologists....the man who would have my life in his hands for the next 10 hours!! I expressed my 2 concerns....don't let me wake up in the middle of surgery....and, you better make sure I wake up at the end of surgery! Lol Not too much to ask in my opinion! He explained how he would find a spot where I was not too far under but also enough to remain asleep....because it was such a long surgery they have to find a level of sedation that's "in the middle" Made sense to me...just remember my 2 requests! Hahaha And then it was time...time to turn in my pink ribbon baseball cap, for a cheesy hair net lookin thing! As I looked to mom the tears began to fall...I was so scared...we hugged, she ensured me I was going to be ok and that she loved me, and off I went!! I really dont remember much after that. He had already given me something to help me relax, and asked me if I noticed it?? My reply..."I don't think so, I don't feel anything"....as I thought about what I had just said, I told him..."that must be it!" I was relaxed! For the next 10 hours, my amazing family & friends stayed in contact with updates, prayers, & encouragement. Kari stayed at the hospital the entire time! Thank you Kari!! James would get updates from the dr or nurse via phone every 2 hours....and Kari would post the update on my facebook.page. It truly was an amazing thing to go back & read....I feel so blessed to have the support that all of you showed!! I don't remember the recovery area or much of the next 2 days. From what I heard, I did say a few off the wall things and fall asleep mid sentence quite frequently! Between James & my parents someone was always with the kids & I. I can only imagine how much of a circus life was for those 5 days. I remember NEVER letting go of that pain med button! Mom told me one of the nurses came in and said..."good news, you're not pregnant!" Hmmmmm, I dont remember reading any where that this was even a side effect of this surgery, so thank God...that would have been a tough one to explain to my husband!! The next few days were up & down. I didn't eat much, food was kind of gross. I didnt have much of an appetite anyway. Once they took my pain button away & I had to take meds orally it all went downhill! And the 8 drain tubes hanging from my body had a little to do with my lack of appetite too! But I do have to say, I had amazing friends & family come visit, call, send flowers, cooking dinners for James & the kids, etc! I believe I had 10 floral arrangements in my room!! The nurses all commented on how good it smelled, and how much life it had!! Thank you all for that!!! And now....fast forward 1month....Im home, Im healing, Im cancer free, Im recovering! It's definitely been a fight...somedays I dont feel like there's much fight in me...but somehow one of you help me over the hump & its game on all over again! I see the end now..its so refreshing! I will never forget the past 6 months of my life (well, because of chemo brain, maybe some of it!) All the emotions....All the questions....All the prayers....All the pain....All the tears! While I was in it, I felt like it would never end, but here we are only 6 months later, and its almost over! So hard to believe! We've had so many angels watching over & taking care of us in every way imaginable..I wish I could personally thank each & every one of you! Please know in my heart how thankful I am! Ive said it before and I will say it for the rest of my life...I....WE....could not have done it without all of you!
Thank you & God Bless!
~Fierce Faith~