30 days later

I cannot believe it has already been 1 month since I had my surgery. And over a month since my last post! So much has happened over the last month.....so hard to believe that 30 days ago I had cancer....and today, it is gone!! My week in the hospital was not so much a mini vacation as I had hoped. Mom & I arrived promptly at 5:30 am. Went through the check in process....got my IV in place.....Dr. Oliva came in and drew pictures on my body as to where they would cut, nip & tuck! As the time drew closer, my anxiety increased! Then in comes the anesthesiologists....the man who would have my life in his hands for the next 10 hours!! I expressed my 2 concerns....don't let me wake up in the middle of surgery....and, you better make sure I wake up at the end of surgery! Lol Not too much to ask in my opinion! He explained how he would find a spot where I was not too far under but also enough to remain asleep....because it was such a long surgery they have to find a level of sedation that's "in the middle" Made sense to me...just remember my 2 requests! Hahaha And then it was time...time to turn in my pink ribbon baseball cap, for a cheesy hair net lookin thing! As I looked to mom the tears began to fall...I was so scared...we hugged, she ensured me I was going to be ok and that she loved me, and off I went!! I really dont remember much after that. He had already given me something to help me relax, and asked me if I noticed it?? My reply..."I don't think so, I don't feel anything"....as I thought about what I had just said, I told him..."that must be it!" I was relaxed! For the next 10 hours, my amazing family & friends stayed in contact with updates, prayers, & encouragement. Kari stayed at the hospital the entire time! Thank you Kari!! James would get updates from the dr or nurse via phone every 2 hours....and Kari would post the update on my facebook.page. It truly was an amazing thing to go back & read....I feel so blessed to have the support that all of you showed!! I don't remember the recovery area or much of the next 2 days. From what I heard, I did say a few off the wall things and fall asleep mid sentence quite frequently! Between James & my parents someone was always with the kids & I. I can only imagine how much of a circus life was for those 5 days. I remember NEVER letting go of that pain med button! Mom told me one of the nurses came in and said..."good news, you're not pregnant!" Hmmmmm, I dont remember reading any where that this was even a side effect of this surgery, so thank God...that would have been a tough one to explain to my husband!! The next few days were up & down. I didn't eat much, food was kind of gross. I didnt have much of an appetite anyway. Once they took my pain button away & I had to take meds orally it all went downhill! And the 8 drain tubes hanging from my body had a little to do with my lack of appetite too! But I do have to say, I had amazing friends & family come visit, call, send flowers, cooking dinners for James & the kids, etc! I believe I had 10 floral arrangements in my room!! The nurses all commented on how good it smelled, and how much life it had!! Thank you all for that!!! And now....fast forward 1month....Im home, Im healing, Im cancer free, Im recovering! It's definitely been a fight...somedays I dont feel like there's much fight in me...but somehow one of you help me over the hump & its game on all over again! I see the end now..its so refreshing! I will never forget the past 6 months of my life (well, because of chemo brain, maybe some of it!) All the emotions....All the questions....All the prayers....All the pain....All the tears! While I was in it, I felt like it would never end, but here we are only 6 months later, and its almost over! So hard to believe! We've had so many angels watching over & taking care of us in every way imaginable..I wish I could personally thank each & every one of you! Please know in my heart how thankful I am! Ive said it before and I will say it for the rest of my life...I....WE....could not have done it without all of you!
Thank you & God Bless!
~Fierce Faith~

Give Thanks

     Well it has been 3 weeks since my last post....I have been very busy and feeling great!!  The kids are all back in school.  Such a great feeling to have them all in school all day!  I know that my body is ridding itself of all the chemo crap because I love mornings again.  The last 5 months mornings have been dreadful...first off I just couldn't get myself to wake up, and then when I did I would get so tired so easily.  My energy is slowly coming back and my love of mornings is too!! 
     I've been on an emotional roller coaster regarding my surgery in 6 days :{  I'm trying to look at it as my mini vacation! lol  For 5 days in the hospital I get to order whatever I want to eat....sleep whenever I want......read magazines......call on someone else if I need anything.....no cleaning.....no laundry......no cooking.......NOTHING!!  Well other than recovering from a major surgery.  So I'm kind of excited...then my brain quickly shifts to....10 hours of surgery...What if I wake up in the middle of it?  What if I don't wake up at all??  What if its horribly painful recovery?  How do I go to the bathroom?  What will by body look like? (I'm imaging like something that Edward scissor hands got ahold of..lol)  I then begin my google search..typing in just what I'm thinking.....sometimes I feel better....most times not so much!  Hahaha.  So,  I have had to work hard, but I am trying to rely on faith and stay positive that this is just another day in the O.R for the doctors and staff.....just like I get up, get the kids to school, go to work and come back home..these doctors do this same surgery every week, for lots of women just like me...they all wake up (when its over!)  they all recover...they all make their way to the bathroom...and after the healing process, they look great!  I am thankful that God blessed these individuals with the talent and ability to perform such an amazing (to me) transformation of the body.  Who will now be considered heroes in my life!!

Once again.....this song has touched my heart and as I listen to the lyrics I do believe that I have tons of reasons to sing....that Ive fought the good fight....and this hurt is soon going to be healing.  Its not over, and I'm still fighting....I'm ready to take back what cancer thought it could take from me.  Although it has been a tough 5 months, and it has put stress on relationships, finances, my kids, my body, my mind....I did not let it win!  And I am declaring that everything and everyone that had to suffer for me in 2011, will be abundantly blessed in 2012!!  Thank you for supporting my family and I,  thank you for the shoulder to cry on, thank you for the meals that fueled our bodies, thank you for the cards that uplifted my spirits, thank you for the gifts that made me smile, thank you for allowing me to be weak, thank you for the friendship, thank you for the prayers!!  THANK YOU!!  THANK YOU!! 

~Fierce Faith~

Good night chemo

Aaaah, I did it!! My last chemo is now 4 days behind me, now I'm just praying for the side effects to go away!! I've kept my body full of nausea meds, I do have an appetite, its just that nothing tastes as good as it sounds! Here is what I tried yesterday: toast, grilled cheese, salad, hard boiled egg, frosty, french fry, plum, soft taco! Lol I literally took 1 bite of each of these things, only to be disappointed by the taste! The torturous part is that I want to eat! I am putting my list together for a grocery store run....this should be as good a the last one!
Cravings for today are: potatoe soup, cherries, fruit punch pop, chicken salad sandwich, and tootsie rolls!?! Hahaha Hopefully one of those will hit the spot!!
As for the other side effects....my bones are sooo achy, and its hard to explain, but I can feel this fluttery feeling inside my body. Its really weird, it happens every time....and its all over in my stomach, legs, arms,etc?? Aaaah the joys of chemo taking over my body! And then of course the fatigue...I just lay in the recliner and go in and out of sleep! Hot flashes, then freezing!! I'm counting the days...usually by next Wed, Thurs, I'm feeling much better!! And to never have to do this again is beyond exciting!! I did it!! Its finally over!! As Aliyah would say....."you're done with cancer now mom!"
Yes! I am done with cancer!!

Love you - Fierce Faith

Crappy Chemo #6--The finale

Im full of emotion right now, Im excited, Im scared, Im anxious, Im lost, Im grateful, Im sad, Im joyful. From one moment to another Im laughing or Im crying. Why is it in the excitement of knowing this is my final chemo....fear has to creep into my mind?? Im so ready to be finished with the crappy way chemo makes me feel, but the peace it gives me knowing that it is destroying ANY cancer in my body is somewhat reassuring. Now to think I wont have that anymore makes me fearful. I've told so many people that fear and faith cannot reside in the same body....let go of the fear and let God fill your body, your mind, your everything with faith in him!! I name my blog "Fierce Faith" And here I sit on my final chemo eve (well more like chemo dawn} in fear????? I was fortunate enough to have an amazing friend Heather still awake at 2am that I could text with to reassure me of our amazing God...and Healer! I am just so grateful for the support I've had through this journey. I've got 2 chemo angels that send me things in the mail about every other day or so!! They are cancer survivors themselves, and they send cards, coffee, notepads, candles, encouraging letters, etc. It is truly amazing, and I've got many newfound friends in the cancer world. I love and appreciate everyone of you supporting me and my family, but I love it when I can say my finger nails hurt...and the other person can completely relate!!
Started my steroid dose today....that is the med that the Dr told me in the beginning makes you mean!  I dont think I remembered which drug it was before, but that is definatly the one???  Im sure of it after today....I get so aggitated and angry and then things just come out of my mouth without any thought!  I appologize to any of you that have been on the receiving end of that, but unfortunatly I think its mainly been my husband and kids. :(   
And then theres that.....my kids.....I never had to feel what they are feeling or wonder what they are wondering.  We didnt have anyone with cancer in our family when I was growing up, or even still for that matter!  I know Aliyahs heart and fears she shows it all the time, but the others are pretty to them selves about the whole thing.  Although its probably hard for them sometimes, I also know this is going to make them so much more relateable to others and allow them opportunities to encourage and help friends with their stories of our journey.  I've read it and hear it a thousand times,  When I was diagnosed with cancer...my family was diagnosed with cancer as well!!  I know kids are so resiliant, but I cant help but want to protect them all and ensure they are not feeling the fear that I sometimes feel!
On another note...my nose has been sooooo runny since my last herceptin tx??  One thing I DO NOT recommend is eating hot tamales candy while experiencing the chemo nasal drip!  lol  We were out with the kids at trade a game and I put my quarter in the little candy machine thinking mmmmmm hot tamales sound good....the first one was kind of hot, but it was #2 and #3 that put me over the edge!  I don't know if you have seen kangaroo jack when the kangaroo eats the atomic fireball...LOL...but that is how I felt, I was trying to dig in my purse for a tissue but I couldn't look down because my nose would literally drip out!  Approximately 3 times this happened when I would look down and then I thought at this point someone has to have seen me, so my wonderful husband asked the guy behind the desk if he had a tissue.  I took one and we continued to wait for the boys to trade their games...the guy then came over to that counter with the whole box of tissues and set them down for me!  Hahaha, he was obviously the one that saw. LOL 
Earlier in the day I was walking back from checking the mail and the fear I've had from the first day I lost my hair happened.....my hat blew off!!  Once again, I'm sure SOMEONE saw, but I just picked it up and continued down the street like nothing happened!  lol  At this point you just have to throw pride out the window and roll with the punches!! 

OK....I just realized its after 3am now....I have to be downtown by 8:50....good thing I don't have to do my hair!!!  I'm very exicted to be done with chemo....I wish I could sing....Nah Nah, Nah Nah Nah Nah, Hey Hey Hey...Goodbye!!  Well I suppose I could, but unfortunately I still have to go to the chemo suite for another 8 months for my herceptin...Boo!!  But the side effects are not nearly as bad as the "crappy chemo" days.  So many more of you may be able to catch one of my nasal drip episodes!  Well I'm off to get my rest for the big day....excited that Austin and Shaiya will be there to celebrate with me my last crappy chemo!!  Love you all, Good Night!   ~Fierce Faith~

Dark before Morning

8 days past chemo, I had my herceptin treatment yesterday.  The house was packed!!  I had to wait 1/2 hour to get a seat!   You'd think I was talking about the neighborhood bar or fancy restaurant, but noooooo I'm talkin bout the stinkin chemo suite!!!  Although I do have to tell you I sat next to a great guy one time, he leaned over and asked, "what are ya havin?"  Confused I looked at the snacks on my tray, and he pointed at my IV bag and said, "no, what are ya havin?"  I told him my chemo concoction, and he said, "Ive tried that! The drinks here aren't that good! But the bartenders and waitresses are!"  LOL  I replied..."And they're really expensive!"  It was quite funny to think of the place as a bar....worst hangovers I've ever had!!  I'm still not feeling the best, but like I said before each day is getting better.  The nasal drip is crazy this time.  I've literally bent or leaned over and it just ran out like water!?!?  It is the weirdest thing ever, but is a normal side effect of the herceptin.  Lovely!

Well today I got to meet with my plastic surgeon.  Dr. Oliva.  I really liked him.  Surgery is scheduled for September 19th.  10 hour surgery...5 days in the hospital....2 new boobs....and 1 tummy tuck!  LOL  Im excited and scared at the same time!  He really put me at ease regarding my recovery time.  Basically by the time I leave the hospital I will be moving around able to do some small things, not much, but more than I had expected!  The kids will all be in school, so I will have plenty of time for rest and recovery!

Before I go I have to tell you I heard an amazing song the other day that has completely changed my attitude...I was in a bit of a funk, feeling like my "fierce faith"  was being put to the test.  Then this song came on...I don't know if its new or old, but it is called "Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson.  Look it up on youtube, and listen to it....I challenge you not to cry! LOL  This song touched my heart at just the perfect moment and I did a 360 in my mind!  Thank You God!!
 Part of the lyrics go like this: 
Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning
Love it!!!  And so I can tonight tell you that I have Fierce Faith once again....This battle is nearing the end, when I step in the ring one last time with all you behind me and God beside me...and KICK CANCERS A**!!!!

Love you all,
~Fierce Faith~

Almost a week past crappy chemo #5. I am starting to feel a little better. Each day has its own new weird aches, pains and side effects, but I always know when I'm coming up out of it!! I have tunnel vision right now....focusing on September 19th surgery...recovery....and then helping others that are going through what I just experienced. I have had so many blessings through this journey, that I have to pay it forward once I am well. There is something special about talking to that person that just walked in your shoes! That really understands what you are going through...I know God has called me to be that for many other women! I've met some amazing, courageous people sitting in those chemo chairs...some with an outcome not so good. Yet they still keep a sense of humor and faith in their unknown future. It puts so much of my life into perspective...how to not take one simple thing for granted...tonight I came to the conclusion that I will forever appreciate my taste buds, I get so frustrated that everything I eat tastes gross...I need nutrients/energy, but I just cant find anything that even tastes good. I know that sounds goofy, but it took something like this to even make me think about the intricate threads of our body.  I feel like I get the chance to start over,  a new me.  To truly live life as God had intended.  I'm very excited for that!!  And I know it is just around the corner!

I did get to experience the Liberty Lake Relay 4 Life on Friday night! Thanks again to everyone that help put together a team in my name and raised money, and came out to walk!! What an amazing event, I want to be a bigger part of that next year!! So many ways to show support and get involved so that one day we may have a cure for this stupid disease. 

I'm off to get some much needed beauty rest!!  

Love you all,
~Fierce Faith~

Crappy Chemo #5

Well, I officially have crappy chemo #5 behind me!! Although its not the day of chemo that gets me...its two days later the crummy feeling that takes over my body for 5-7 days. It is nice to be able to say I only have 1 left....do you hear that? I ONLY HAVE 1 CHEMO LEFT!!!!!

I just have to say Thank you to all that have left amazing comments on my facebook page. I read them and cry and thank God for blessing me with so many great people in my life!!

I have so much going through my brain right now, but nothing that I can seem to get out in words....I am falling asleep sitting here, but I really wanted to get a post out.  Thank you for the continued support and prayers.  Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. Live simply,  Love generously, Care deeply, Speak kindly.  Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain.

Fight For Life
Storms of life are strong enough
without cancer stepping in,
Came creeping through the back door
just counting on a win.
Engaging you in battle
we firmly stand our ground,
Armed with courage, faith and hope,
My life we surround..
This fight rages day and night
The will to surivive is strong,
We will never surrender
In our lives you don't belong.
Prepare yourself to lose this time
My life you won't take,
This is a fight you will not win
Cancer, make no mistake!


~Fierce Faith~