Crappy Chemo #6--The finale

Im full of emotion right now, Im excited, Im scared, Im anxious, Im lost, Im grateful, Im sad, Im joyful. From one moment to another Im laughing or Im crying. Why is it in the excitement of knowing this is my final chemo....fear has to creep into my mind?? Im so ready to be finished with the crappy way chemo makes me feel, but the peace it gives me knowing that it is destroying ANY cancer in my body is somewhat reassuring. Now to think I wont have that anymore makes me fearful. I've told so many people that fear and faith cannot reside in the same body....let go of the fear and let God fill your body, your mind, your everything with faith in him!! I name my blog "Fierce Faith" And here I sit on my final chemo eve (well more like chemo dawn} in fear????? I was fortunate enough to have an amazing friend Heather still awake at 2am that I could text with to reassure me of our amazing God...and Healer! I am just so grateful for the support I've had through this journey. I've got 2 chemo angels that send me things in the mail about every other day or so!! They are cancer survivors themselves, and they send cards, coffee, notepads, candles, encouraging letters, etc. It is truly amazing, and I've got many newfound friends in the cancer world. I love and appreciate everyone of you supporting me and my family, but I love it when I can say my finger nails hurt...and the other person can completely relate!!
Started my steroid dose today....that is the med that the Dr told me in the beginning makes you mean!  I dont think I remembered which drug it was before, but that is definatly the one???  Im sure of it after today....I get so aggitated and angry and then things just come out of my mouth without any thought!  I appologize to any of you that have been on the receiving end of that, but unfortunatly I think its mainly been my husband and kids. :(   
And then theres that.....my kids.....I never had to feel what they are feeling or wonder what they are wondering.  We didnt have anyone with cancer in our family when I was growing up, or even still for that matter!  I know Aliyahs heart and fears she shows it all the time, but the others are pretty to them selves about the whole thing.  Although its probably hard for them sometimes, I also know this is going to make them so much more relateable to others and allow them opportunities to encourage and help friends with their stories of our journey.  I've read it and hear it a thousand times,  When I was diagnosed with cancer...my family was diagnosed with cancer as well!!  I know kids are so resiliant, but I cant help but want to protect them all and ensure they are not feeling the fear that I sometimes feel!
On another note...my nose has been sooooo runny since my last herceptin tx??  One thing I DO NOT recommend is eating hot tamales candy while experiencing the chemo nasal drip!  lol  We were out with the kids at trade a game and I put my quarter in the little candy machine thinking mmmmmm hot tamales sound good....the first one was kind of hot, but it was #2 and #3 that put me over the edge!  I don't know if you have seen kangaroo jack when the kangaroo eats the atomic fireball...LOL...but that is how I felt, I was trying to dig in my purse for a tissue but I couldn't look down because my nose would literally drip out!  Approximately 3 times this happened when I would look down and then I thought at this point someone has to have seen me, so my wonderful husband asked the guy behind the desk if he had a tissue.  I took one and we continued to wait for the boys to trade their games...the guy then came over to that counter with the whole box of tissues and set them down for me!  Hahaha, he was obviously the one that saw. LOL 
Earlier in the day I was walking back from checking the mail and the fear I've had from the first day I lost my hair happened.....my hat blew off!!  Once again, I'm sure SOMEONE saw, but I just picked it up and continued down the street like nothing happened!  lol  At this point you just have to throw pride out the window and roll with the punches!! 

OK....I just realized its after 3am now....I have to be downtown by 8:50....good thing I don't have to do my hair!!!  I'm very exicted to be done with chemo....I wish I could sing....Nah Nah, Nah Nah Nah Nah, Hey Hey Hey...Goodbye!!  Well I suppose I could, but unfortunately I still have to go to the chemo suite for another 8 months for my herceptin...Boo!!  But the side effects are not nearly as bad as the "crappy chemo" days.  So many more of you may be able to catch one of my nasal drip episodes!  Well I'm off to get my rest for the big day....excited that Austin and Shaiya will be there to celebrate with me my last crappy chemo!!  Love you all, Good Night!   ~Fierce Faith~

Dark before Morning

8 days past chemo, I had my herceptin treatment yesterday.  The house was packed!!  I had to wait 1/2 hour to get a seat!   You'd think I was talking about the neighborhood bar or fancy restaurant, but noooooo I'm talkin bout the stinkin chemo suite!!!  Although I do have to tell you I sat next to a great guy one time, he leaned over and asked, "what are ya havin?"  Confused I looked at the snacks on my tray, and he pointed at my IV bag and said, "no, what are ya havin?"  I told him my chemo concoction, and he said, "Ive tried that! The drinks here aren't that good! But the bartenders and waitresses are!"  LOL  I replied..."And they're really expensive!"  It was quite funny to think of the place as a bar....worst hangovers I've ever had!!  I'm still not feeling the best, but like I said before each day is getting better.  The nasal drip is crazy this time.  I've literally bent or leaned over and it just ran out like water!?!?  It is the weirdest thing ever, but is a normal side effect of the herceptin.  Lovely!

Well today I got to meet with my plastic surgeon.  Dr. Oliva.  I really liked him.  Surgery is scheduled for September 19th.  10 hour surgery...5 days in the hospital....2 new boobs....and 1 tummy tuck!  LOL  Im excited and scared at the same time!  He really put me at ease regarding my recovery time.  Basically by the time I leave the hospital I will be moving around able to do some small things, not much, but more than I had expected!  The kids will all be in school, so I will have plenty of time for rest and recovery!

Before I go I have to tell you I heard an amazing song the other day that has completely changed my attitude...I was in a bit of a funk, feeling like my "fierce faith"  was being put to the test.  Then this song came on...I don't know if its new or old, but it is called "Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson.  Look it up on youtube, and listen to it....I challenge you not to cry! LOL  This song touched my heart at just the perfect moment and I did a 360 in my mind!  Thank You God!!
 Part of the lyrics go like this: 
Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning
Love it!!!  And so I can tonight tell you that I have Fierce Faith once again....This battle is nearing the end, when I step in the ring one last time with all you behind me and God beside me...and KICK CANCERS A**!!!!

Love you all,
~Fierce Faith~

Almost a week past crappy chemo #5. I am starting to feel a little better. Each day has its own new weird aches, pains and side effects, but I always know when I'm coming up out of it!! I have tunnel vision right now....focusing on September 19th surgery...recovery....and then helping others that are going through what I just experienced. I have had so many blessings through this journey, that I have to pay it forward once I am well. There is something special about talking to that person that just walked in your shoes! That really understands what you are going through...I know God has called me to be that for many other women! I've met some amazing, courageous people sitting in those chemo chairs...some with an outcome not so good. Yet they still keep a sense of humor and faith in their unknown future. It puts so much of my life into perspective...how to not take one simple thing for granted...tonight I came to the conclusion that I will forever appreciate my taste buds, I get so frustrated that everything I eat tastes gross...I need nutrients/energy, but I just cant find anything that even tastes good. I know that sounds goofy, but it took something like this to even make me think about the intricate threads of our body.  I feel like I get the chance to start over,  a new me.  To truly live life as God had intended.  I'm very excited for that!!  And I know it is just around the corner!

I did get to experience the Liberty Lake Relay 4 Life on Friday night! Thanks again to everyone that help put together a team in my name and raised money, and came out to walk!! What an amazing event, I want to be a bigger part of that next year!! So many ways to show support and get involved so that one day we may have a cure for this stupid disease. 

I'm off to get some much needed beauty rest!!  

Love you all,
~Fierce Faith~

Crappy Chemo #5

Well, I officially have crappy chemo #5 behind me!! Although its not the day of chemo that gets me...its two days later the crummy feeling that takes over my body for 5-7 days. It is nice to be able to say I only have 1 left....do you hear that? I ONLY HAVE 1 CHEMO LEFT!!!!!

I just have to say Thank you to all that have left amazing comments on my facebook page. I read them and cry and thank God for blessing me with so many great people in my life!!

I have so much going through my brain right now, but nothing that I can seem to get out in words....I am falling asleep sitting here, but I really wanted to get a post out.  Thank you for the continued support and prayers.  Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. Live simply,  Love generously, Care deeply, Speak kindly.  Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain.

Fight For Life
Storms of life are strong enough
without cancer stepping in,
Came creeping through the back door
just counting on a win.
Engaging you in battle
we firmly stand our ground,
Armed with courage, faith and hope,
My life we surround..
This fight rages day and night
The will to surivive is strong,
We will never surrender
In our lives you don't belong.
Prepare yourself to lose this time
My life you won't take,
This is a fight you will not win
Cancer, make no mistake!


~Fierce Faith~

Tired!

Well today I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed! I guess after 6 days of just feeling "ok" its finally caught up to me. Its like a yo-yo...I'm happy that I'm not miserably sick, but frustrated that I constantly feel chemo aftermath! My mouth and throat feel like a giant cotton ball!! Food doesn't taste very good, but I want to eat so bad! Liquids are still hard to get down because of the weird taste. I want so bad to be able to enjoy something!! I believe it was my second TX that I didn't feel too bad right away, and then it kicked in the next week....I'm kinda feeling that way now....like I celebrated too soon. I'm tired!!! Tired of being bald.....tired of feeling nauseous all the time....tired of dry mouth.....tired of chemo brain.....tired of heartburn....tired of being irritable....tired of being tired.....tired of appts....tired of orange pill bottles....tired of diarrhea...tired of muscle aches....tired of my nail beds hurting...tired of hot flashes...oh and did I mention tired of chemo brain?!?  Ha!  And the list goes on and on!!!  I know its almost over, I know the end is near.......but right here, right now.....I'm miserable!!  My poor family has gotten the brunt end of my misery the last few days....I'm sure they will all have stories to tell about "The day mom flipped out!"  lol   I may be the one with cancer, but we are all experiencing the effects of cancer!  So glad I have such great friends and family that will hang in there with me till the end!!!  Thank you all, and as I always say, I could not do this alone, without all the prayers and support and people cheering for recovery, it would be easy to fall into a place of darkness and doom!!  But I will continue to push through with my fierce faith so that one day...not to far from now....I can look back and say I DID IT!!!

~Fierce Faith~

Out of hibernation

Hello again!! Chemo # 4 is now officially behind me!!!  I literally walked in the door from work on Wednesday evening....took off my shoes....crawled in to bed and stayed there until today...Saturday!!  I was still in my work clothes until Friday when I changed my shirt!  Chemo brain was in full force this round, I forgot to go in for my Neulasta shot the day after chemo...Thank goodness one of the nurses called and reminded me around 4:15, so I was able to run in and get it before they closed!  I then forgot to take my last dose of steroids, and almost forgot my big nausea pill, forgot my meds for heartburn. I cant say I felt any worse or better than after any of the other txs, I just figured as long as I could sleep I wouldn't have to feel any of the pain.  It worked! (somewhat) Still feel crappy, but I'm coming up out of it! I was able to walk around the farmers market with my mom and Aliyah this morning, even made a trip to the grocery store......bad bad bad thing to do when you are really hungry and just trying to come up with things that might taste good...$50 later I ended up with potato chips and bean dip, hash browns, watermelon, sugar snaps cereal (which I never eat) top ramen, & some orange slice gumdrops!   WTF?!?!?  How am I supposed to put any of that together as a meal???  I'm still not sure any of it will even taste as good as it sounds, but hey at least I feel like I might be able to eat sooner than the last treatments.  I do have to say the new rx for heartburn is awesome!!  I have mild heartburn this time, but nothing like the last ones.  I still have the gross taste thing going on, but minus the heartburn makes it much easier to even try different foods.  So, now I can proudly say I only have 2 treatments left and I am thrilled!!!  Although this was a crazy ride, I can see how later I will be able to look back at it and think, that wasn't so bad.  Although I'm not technically a survivor yet, I will leave you with this; 

Top 10 Ways to Know You are a Cancer Survivor

10 Your alarm clock goes off at 6 a.m. and you're glad to hear it.
9. Your mother-in-law invites you to lunch and you just say NO.
8. You're back in the family rotation to take out the garbage.
7. When you no longer have an urge to choke the person who says,
"all you need to beat cancer is the right attitude."
6. When your dental floss runs out and you buy 1000 yards.
5. When you use your toothbrush to brush your teeth and not comb your hair.
4. You have a chance to buy additional life insurance but you buy a new convertible car instead.
3. Your doctor tells you to lose weight and do something about your
cholesterol and you actually listen.
2. When your biggest annual celebration is again your birthday, and not the day you were diagnosed.
1. When you use your Visa card more than your hospital parking pass

~Fierce Faith~

Crappy Chemo #4

I'm back! Not sure why it took me 3 weeks between posts.....partly sick, partly busy, partly lazy!! Well, I had chemo #4 today. It went well...had labwork this morning, then met with Dr. Nichols and then on to chemo...I think this was record time..was in chemo suite by 9:30 and out by 1pm!! James and I went to Olive Garden and had lunch together and then I did my usual after chemo...drove back to work and took a nap in the car before going in to work. I get benadryl with my chemo tx and it just really makes me tired, plus I usually dont sleep well when I start those dumb steroids!! The steroids do not allow me to sleep for more than an hour at a time, and they increase the hot flashes, and instigate the heartburn!!  Dr. Nichols gave me some prescriptions to use for my heartburn...I pray that these will help...uuuugggghhhh, its sooooo miserable!!! So now here I sit, wondering when its going to hit me, what its going to be like this time, how long its going to last??  I could sit and wonder, or just know that it is what it is and keep moving forward knowing that my body is being healed of cancer!!  I only have 2 treatments left, August 2nd & August 23rd.  Surgery is tentativly scheduled for September 19th. Im in the process of working out the details.  Its just amazing to think that this whole thing started April 5th, 2011 and just 5 months later I will be on the recovery side, the survivor side!!  It feels like it has been an eternity since diagnosis day, but when its all over to look back and think 5 months...thats not bad at all!  I do know I will have to add in some recovery time to my surgery...Dr. Nichols said 6-8 weeks for recovery!  I was thinking like 2!  Hahaha.  She kind of laughed when I said that...the laugh that meant "Good Luck with that"  lol   I also have to continue with the herceptin for a year, right now its every week, but after chemo is done it will be changed to every 3 weeks, but that has very little side effects....well other than the fact that it could weaken your heart muscle!!  I will have another EKG after my last chemo to make sure everything is all good, and then be checked again every 3 months.  I have to say this has been such a learning experience.   I am very excited to be able to help others with the information I have gathered and the journey Ive experienced.  I want to thank so many of you for all the prayers, meals, support....And thanks to those of you that have bought me hats and scarves!  I love them all, and its so fun to go to work with different hats each day!  Well, that is it for my rambling brain for tonight.  I love you all and I continue to feel the peace and comfort from your prayers.  Thank you so much!

~Fierce Faith~