When There Is Crisis....There Christ Is.

4.5.2011 - DD DAY! 


     I like to call this Double D Day. And no, I was not a size DD!!  This was my Diagnosis Day and it was my Deliverance Day!  I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer-Yet delivered into a forever relationship with my heavenly father!  Ya, I grew up going to church, went to church on my own as a young adult, brought my kids to church at early ages, etc. But that was all...I sat in the middle of those 4 walls...a sheep with no shepherd!


     So many times we cry out when we need help.  God help me! I cant do this alone!  He picks us up, dusts us off, fixes what's broken and we put him right back in our back pocket until next time!  It was this day I made the decision that he was not going back into my pocket....That if I wanted to live to see tomorrow, to see my kids grow up and to have a loving relationship with my husband until we were old and gray that I needed him right here, by my side, every single day!  It's unfortunate that it took this crisis...to see there Christ is, but that's what it took for my eyes to be opened I guess?!


     Here I am...8 years later....What's different?!  Has every day been sunshine and roses?  NOPE.  Have I still experienced difficult times raising kids?  YEP.   Is money no longer an issue?  NOPE  Has my marriage been rocky?  YEP.  Does my body look smokin hot from having a cancer removing "boob job" and "tummy tuck"?  NOPE.  Am I covered in scars that are a constant reminder of the pain I endured? YEP.  (My closest friends are bobbin their head through this section thinking of the E40 song!) LOL

  Focusing on God doesn't mean those things will go away...it just means I have a solid, no matter what, I got your back, you got this girl, Rock in my corner!!

They say time heals all wounds. I suppose I can attest to that.  But what I really believe is God heals all wounds!

~Fierce Faith~

Another 1 year Milestone

September 19th, 2011......A day I thought I'd never forget, yet as the days, months, YEAR went by....I think I have kind of forgot about it!!  I read through some old posts on my blog and on facebook to "get me in the mood"  LOL  Even though I dont remember some things, the feeling is very much still here.  As soon as I begin reading, that pit in my stomach returns...that lump in my throat...that tear in my eye!  My prayer over time is not that I forget everything, but that I just get past it!!  Its always going to be a part of me.....a bump in my road of life.  I want to be able to use my story to inspire others and for that very reason, I cant forget it!  1 year ago today....surgery eve....I was scared, anxious, excited, nervous, etc.  I kind of knew what to expect, but I had no idea the emotional roller coaster the next year would bring.  A new body that had been touched by cancer and all the things that come with it.  Going through cancer was the easy part looking back....Friends and Family swooped in, picked me up when I was down, cooked for us, cleaned for us, emotionally supported me.  I had gifts pouring in, encouraging phone calls, letters, cards.  I didnt have to even think on my own....someone was always here to do it for me.  LOL  But when it was all over....when I had that last herceptin appt in May....that last PET scan....that last biopsy....that last appt to say everything looks good!  See ya in 3 months!  My heart sank....Now what do I do??  I've got this scarred body, fuzzy hair, and LOTS of emotions!!  So in the last 4 months of no appointments, I've done alot of thinking, soul searching, praying.  In April, the hats came off, I finally started rockin the short hair...and although I have twice as much as I had then....its still hard to look at sometimes.  My scars are lightening and Im getting used to the "new" me, but its still hard to look at sometimes.  Its now time to move on....Wow.....what a whirlwind year!!  Now that its all over.....I walk with my God...I cry to him....I thank him for seeing me through all of this....I ask him to show me how to move forward each and every day....I ask him to take the pain away....the fears away....I ask him to lead me into the lives of others I can impact....I ask him to put others in my life that may impact me.....and then I listen, and as he answers my prayers, I am reminded of Gods amazing grace and his perfect timing. 
Many of you know about the bracelets my mom and dad had made for me....Fierce Faith Team Steph.....they were a reminder to me during my time of sickness of the many people I had on my team, walking with me, praying for me.  I have not taken mine off since we got them over a year ago....but today I will take the bracelet off...and I ask any of you still wearing yours, to take it off.  It is a closing to this chapter in my life.  September 19th, 2011....I slept most of that day....but today September 19th, 2012...I will be awake....I am so thankful for everything and everyone that impacted my life over the past year.  As I continue my lifes journey, I will forever be thankful to those of you that helped me through my journey with cancer.
 I know I will, and I hope you will, forever have FIERCE FAITH!!

LOVE YOU ALL!!!!

Full Moon--Full Heart

As I started writing this it was August 2nd, 2012.  I know by the time I hit "publish" it will be tomorrow....August 3rd.  Why does it matter???  Because today....August 2nd, 2011 I was sitting at CCNW enduring round 5 of chemo....Its hard to put into words the anticipation of knowing in the next 2-3 days how these drugs are going to take over your body!?!?  Its been a real crazy week.....I wont even get into the personal garbage, but when I think back to 1 year ago, Im forced to ask myself.....Is this really that bad??  Its an amazing thing how cancer can put back into perspective whats really that bad!!  These little trivial things in my life can either derail me....or I can remember the days of fighting through chemo looking at the terrified looks in my kids' eyes as they just wanted mommy to get up!  They just wanted to know I was going to be ok.....I will never forget as long as I live how Isaiah and Aliyah just wanted to know that I would be able to pick them up again!  And I'll tell ya what........as soon as I had recovered from my surgery....I picked them up and held them...something so small to any other child, but to my kids it meant mommy is going to be ok!!  So today.....as I chalk up my weird week to the full moon....hahaha....I realize how much worse it could be....how much worse it WAS. 
The main reason for my full heart is for the concern of a best friend that just heard the earth shattering words...."Your biospy came back positive....You have breast cancer."   Uuuuuuuggghhhh....I think it hurts just as much as when I heard it for myself.  If theres one thing Ive never been able to deal with, its watching someone close suffer and not really know how to help. Im angry again.....Im upset.....Im scared.....did I mention Im mad??  I would do anything to not have to see another person get diagnosed with Cancer.  What God has revealed to me.....today.....is that I am now going to be that person I had in my life during my treatment....that 1 person that knew what all the big words meant....that 1 person that understood when my fingernails hurt....that 1 person that was living proof that I could do this.  That 1 person that I grew up with, that knew me inside and out...Wow, what a blessing to be called to be that 1 person for her!  I had many of you that were there with me every step of the way.....but there is just nothing like having someone whos walked in your shoes, telling you I had that, I remember that, here try this, it will go away, etc. This is another part of my Fierce Faith test.....another reminder that there is no guarantee in life, are you going to live each day saying lifes not fair or are you going to live for each moment.....my pastor said...."Imagine if tomorrow when you woke up all you had was what you thanked God for yesterday."   Ooooooh, creepy huh?!  Did you thank God for your spouse, kids, family, job, house, health, church, clothes, finances, cars, toys, food, and the list goes on and on and on......Or did you just cry out the usual cry of why lord is this happening to me, why arent you listening??   Dont get me wrong....I do that too, but I also remember to thank him for all my many blessings.  Is breast cancer the worst thing I could have been diagnosed with?  Absolutely not!!  Did it turn my world upside down?  You bet it did!!  But now Im able to think clearer, laugh often, love more, and thank God for the little things.  As I begin phase II of Fierce Faith, I am excited to see how God is going to continue to show me his ultimate plan for my life!!

~Fierce Faith~

Frienemies!!

Tonight I say goodbye to a dear friend.....well I don't know if I'd say dear friend. We've had quite the roller coaster friendship for just over a year. I wasnt too excited about letting you into my life....as a matter of fact I tried to say I didnt need you, but I didnt get a choice, we were kind of told we would be meeting soon! I was actually asleep when we were introduced, but when I woke up I knew you were close to my heart. HaHa We didnt hit it off so great at the start....you caused me so much pain, I often wondered how I would live with you in my life for the next year. Now I cant be completely selfish....you had quite a job to accomplish yourself! All those times of getting poked and pinched....and the toxins that you had to allow through you...its no wonder you tried to hide some times!! I am so excited to say that tomorrow we will part our ways. (Kind of) Your mission is accomplished...together we endured 6 rounds of chemo....1 year of herceptin....a couple radioactive PET scans!! Thats quite a bit for 1 little port!! Tomorrow I will actually get to see you....and make you into a magnet to hang on my fridge to forever remind me of the love/hate relationship we had!!! I will get to sleep on my side once again and not have to worry about squishing you! Aaaaaaw to sleep on my side again!!   So tonight I sing a song to you my port.........
Nah Nah...Nah Nah Nah Nah.....Hey Hey Hey......GOODBYE!!!

~Fierce Faith~

Emotional Healing

Well, here we are......Almost 1 year from my Diagnosaversary! April 5th, 2011. But this is the month it all came to a head....the month I started really listening to my body.....noticing the signs God was giving me! I have never experienced losing a super close loved one, but I've always heard the 1sts over the following year are the hardest to get through. I feel like I am starting my year of "Firsts" Like I had mentioned, this is the month I started noticing the signs that something just wasnt right in my body. Although I didnt have any major ailments, all the small things were enough to send me to the doctor for a long overdue physical. So, March 28th, 2011...Dr. Ashley found the lump. As I get closer to this day 1 year later, the feelings all come rushing back! It felt as if the year flew by in a whirlwind of appointments, chemo, sickness, surgery, recovery, etc. I was just going through the motions, that I dont think I really ever processed emotionally what I was going through. Now, as I look back on those things, I feel my world shaking around me. My emotions are at an all time high as I process what I wasnt able to a year ago. As I head into my year of firsts, I will cling to God to remind me that I am alive and I made it! I do not have cancer, but the scars both physically and emotionally are a constant reminder that I once did! I feel like this year I will re-face the fears I faced a year ago and it will be such an emotional cleansing for me. I will look back on all my firsts and realize the strength I gained.....First mammogram, First ultrasound, First needle biopsy, First PET scan, First CT scan, First MRI, First surgery, First time port was accessed, First time seeing my bruised cut body, First Chemo, First effects of chemo, First time being bald, First hat, First wig, and the list goes on and on!!! Although I have some fears heading into this year, I will put on my helmet, buckle my chin strap, and face these things head on with "FIERCE FAITH" It seems so weird that I am feeling this way when last year was the tough year, but I think the battle of my mind takes twice as much fight as the physical battle I've already endured. I look forward to facing all my fears again, and moving forward to the bigger better life God has in store for me!!

God Bless you All.
~Fierce Faith~

Fierce Faith

By definition faith is....complete trust or confidence in something or someone. To me that means complete trust and confidence that God and the wonderful advancements in medicine has rid my body completely of cancer.  That I can live my life worry free.....That cancer will NOT ever return.  I have learned on this journey the true meaning of faith.  To "have faith"  is not always the easiest thing to do!  It is not just a feeling you have, or something that is just there.  It is actually an action word....something you have to think about and work on all the time.  Its something you have to seek...in prayer....in scripture....in yourself.  It is something that you have to constantly work for.  When I first decided to blog my cancer journey I thought of  many many names that were already taken...it literally took me days.  I truly believe that the title of my blog...."Fierce Faith"  was no accident in Gods plan.....this too was going to be part of my test.  What I thought was faith back on April 5th, was just a fraction of the faith I have now.  Fierce faith is now a part of my life that I will never ever let go of.....I will never let the fact that I had cancer define me as a person....but who I became along the way and the fierce faith that I had to cling to will always be a part of who I am today. 

I had people make bracelets, tshirts, walk in relays, create a team in my honor.......all of which carried out my "FIERCE FAITH" mission!!  Im truly blessed and honored to have such amazing people in my life.  Some of which I'd never even met that knew my story & someone from my family and chose to support my journey! 

God Bless you all & Thank you for your amazing support!!

~Fierce Faith~

ThanksLIVING

I will never stop being amazed at Gods perfect timing in my life! I mean I couldn't ask for a better time to be feeling better than I have in months! Just before my favorite time of the year...the holidays!! We begin with November.....the month of Thanksgiving! And I have sooooo much to be thankful for! I will tell you the title of this post I had to steal from a friend...she and her family were in a car accident a few months ago that nearly took her life...as she continues her fight to walk again and heal from all the injuries she said...thanksgiving, more like thanksliving! A near death experience definatly makes you look at life a litte different! I have chose to live EVERYDAY with thanks. Just something as simple as being thankful for waking up...the sun....the moon....my hair....etc. We (my family) used to go day after day without really thinking of all the wonderful things around us we have to be thankful for. Now we wake up every morning and before we leave the house we all write down on a dry erase board what we are thankful for! I love seeing the things my children will write....sports, sally (the hamster), Justin Bieber, friends. And then they will shock me and put....Freedom, the healing of my moms body, the world that God created!! That makes me proud!! What my kids have gone through since April 5, 2011 I would never wish on any child, but WOW how they have grown through it! And for that...I AM THANKFUL!
In everything you can choose to find the good or the bad...I choose good!  
                                Glory to Glory!
I was diagnosed with cancer...I am now cancer free!     Glory to Glory!
I lost my hair...Its growing back!!    Glory to Glory!!
I had my boobs removed.......I have new ones, and a tummy tuck!!   Glory to Glory!
My family suffered......we are now closer than ever!!   Glory to Glory!!
How are we going to afford all this?........God provided!!  Glory to Glory to Glory!!!!

Thank you God for opening up my eyes....for reminding me everyday of all the blessings I have been given......for continuing to bless my family.......For my life! 

Happy ThanksLIVING everyone!
~Fierce Faith~

30 days later

I cannot believe it has already been 1 month since I had my surgery. And over a month since my last post! So much has happened over the last month.....so hard to believe that 30 days ago I had cancer....and today, it is gone!! My week in the hospital was not so much a mini vacation as I had hoped. Mom & I arrived promptly at 5:30 am. Went through the check in process....got my IV in place.....Dr. Oliva came in and drew pictures on my body as to where they would cut, nip & tuck! As the time drew closer, my anxiety increased! Then in comes the anesthesiologists....the man who would have my life in his hands for the next 10 hours!! I expressed my 2 concerns....don't let me wake up in the middle of surgery....and, you better make sure I wake up at the end of surgery! Lol Not too much to ask in my opinion! He explained how he would find a spot where I was not too far under but also enough to remain asleep....because it was such a long surgery they have to find a level of sedation that's "in the middle" Made sense to me...just remember my 2 requests! Hahaha And then it was time...time to turn in my pink ribbon baseball cap, for a cheesy hair net lookin thing! As I looked to mom the tears began to fall...I was so scared...we hugged, she ensured me I was going to be ok and that she loved me, and off I went!! I really dont remember much after that. He had already given me something to help me relax, and asked me if I noticed it?? My reply..."I don't think so, I don't feel anything"....as I thought about what I had just said, I told him..."that must be it!" I was relaxed! For the next 10 hours, my amazing family & friends stayed in contact with updates, prayers, & encouragement. Kari stayed at the hospital the entire time! Thank you Kari!! James would get updates from the dr or nurse via phone every 2 hours....and Kari would post the update on my facebook.page. It truly was an amazing thing to go back & read....I feel so blessed to have the support that all of you showed!! I don't remember the recovery area or much of the next 2 days. From what I heard, I did say a few off the wall things and fall asleep mid sentence quite frequently! Between James & my parents someone was always with the kids & I. I can only imagine how much of a circus life was for those 5 days. I remember NEVER letting go of that pain med button! Mom told me one of the nurses came in and said..."good news, you're not pregnant!" Hmmmmm, I dont remember reading any where that this was even a side effect of this surgery, so thank God...that would have been a tough one to explain to my husband!! The next few days were up & down. I didn't eat much, food was kind of gross. I didnt have much of an appetite anyway. Once they took my pain button away & I had to take meds orally it all went downhill! And the 8 drain tubes hanging from my body had a little to do with my lack of appetite too! But I do have to say, I had amazing friends & family come visit, call, send flowers, cooking dinners for James & the kids, etc! I believe I had 10 floral arrangements in my room!! The nurses all commented on how good it smelled, and how much life it had!! Thank you all for that!!! And now....fast forward 1month....Im home, Im healing, Im cancer free, Im recovering! It's definitely been a fight...somedays I dont feel like there's much fight in me...but somehow one of you help me over the hump & its game on all over again! I see the end now..its so refreshing! I will never forget the past 6 months of my life (well, because of chemo brain, maybe some of it!) All the emotions....All the questions....All the prayers....All the pain....All the tears! While I was in it, I felt like it would never end, but here we are only 6 months later, and its almost over! So hard to believe! We've had so many angels watching over & taking care of us in every way imaginable..I wish I could personally thank each & every one of you! Please know in my heart how thankful I am! Ive said it before and I will say it for the rest of my life...I....WE....could not have done it without all of you!
Thank you & God Bless!
~Fierce Faith~

Give Thanks

     Well it has been 3 weeks since my last post....I have been very busy and feeling great!!  The kids are all back in school.  Such a great feeling to have them all in school all day!  I know that my body is ridding itself of all the chemo crap because I love mornings again.  The last 5 months mornings have been dreadful...first off I just couldn't get myself to wake up, and then when I did I would get so tired so easily.  My energy is slowly coming back and my love of mornings is too!! 
     I've been on an emotional roller coaster regarding my surgery in 6 days :{  I'm trying to look at it as my mini vacation! lol  For 5 days in the hospital I get to order whatever I want to eat....sleep whenever I want......read magazines......call on someone else if I need anything.....no cleaning.....no laundry......no cooking.......NOTHING!!  Well other than recovering from a major surgery.  So I'm kind of excited...then my brain quickly shifts to....10 hours of surgery...What if I wake up in the middle of it?  What if I don't wake up at all??  What if its horribly painful recovery?  How do I go to the bathroom?  What will by body look like? (I'm imaging like something that Edward scissor hands got ahold of..lol)  I then begin my google search..typing in just what I'm thinking.....sometimes I feel better....most times not so much!  Hahaha.  So,  I have had to work hard, but I am trying to rely on faith and stay positive that this is just another day in the O.R for the doctors and staff.....just like I get up, get the kids to school, go to work and come back home..these doctors do this same surgery every week, for lots of women just like me...they all wake up (when its over!)  they all recover...they all make their way to the bathroom...and after the healing process, they look great!  I am thankful that God blessed these individuals with the talent and ability to perform such an amazing (to me) transformation of the body.  Who will now be considered heroes in my life!!

Once again.....this song has touched my heart and as I listen to the lyrics I do believe that I have tons of reasons to sing....that Ive fought the good fight....and this hurt is soon going to be healing.  Its not over, and I'm still fighting....I'm ready to take back what cancer thought it could take from me.  Although it has been a tough 5 months, and it has put stress on relationships, finances, my kids, my body, my mind....I did not let it win!  And I am declaring that everything and everyone that had to suffer for me in 2011, will be abundantly blessed in 2012!!  Thank you for supporting my family and I,  thank you for the shoulder to cry on, thank you for the meals that fueled our bodies, thank you for the cards that uplifted my spirits, thank you for the gifts that made me smile, thank you for allowing me to be weak, thank you for the friendship, thank you for the prayers!!  THANK YOU!!  THANK YOU!! 

~Fierce Faith~

Good night chemo

Aaaah, I did it!! My last chemo is now 4 days behind me, now I'm just praying for the side effects to go away!! I've kept my body full of nausea meds, I do have an appetite, its just that nothing tastes as good as it sounds! Here is what I tried yesterday: toast, grilled cheese, salad, hard boiled egg, frosty, french fry, plum, soft taco! Lol I literally took 1 bite of each of these things, only to be disappointed by the taste! The torturous part is that I want to eat! I am putting my list together for a grocery store run....this should be as good a the last one!
Cravings for today are: potatoe soup, cherries, fruit punch pop, chicken salad sandwich, and tootsie rolls!?! Hahaha Hopefully one of those will hit the spot!!
As for the other side effects....my bones are sooo achy, and its hard to explain, but I can feel this fluttery feeling inside my body. Its really weird, it happens every time....and its all over in my stomach, legs, arms,etc?? Aaaah the joys of chemo taking over my body! And then of course the fatigue...I just lay in the recliner and go in and out of sleep! Hot flashes, then freezing!! I'm counting the days...usually by next Wed, Thurs, I'm feeling much better!! And to never have to do this again is beyond exciting!! I did it!! Its finally over!! As Aliyah would say....."you're done with cancer now mom!"
Yes! I am done with cancer!!

Love you - Fierce Faith

Crappy Chemo #6--The finale

Im full of emotion right now, Im excited, Im scared, Im anxious, Im lost, Im grateful, Im sad, Im joyful. From one moment to another Im laughing or Im crying. Why is it in the excitement of knowing this is my final chemo....fear has to creep into my mind?? Im so ready to be finished with the crappy way chemo makes me feel, but the peace it gives me knowing that it is destroying ANY cancer in my body is somewhat reassuring. Now to think I wont have that anymore makes me fearful. I've told so many people that fear and faith cannot reside in the same body....let go of the fear and let God fill your body, your mind, your everything with faith in him!! I name my blog "Fierce Faith" And here I sit on my final chemo eve (well more like chemo dawn} in fear????? I was fortunate enough to have an amazing friend Heather still awake at 2am that I could text with to reassure me of our amazing God...and Healer! I am just so grateful for the support I've had through this journey. I've got 2 chemo angels that send me things in the mail about every other day or so!! They are cancer survivors themselves, and they send cards, coffee, notepads, candles, encouraging letters, etc. It is truly amazing, and I've got many newfound friends in the cancer world. I love and appreciate everyone of you supporting me and my family, but I love it when I can say my finger nails hurt...and the other person can completely relate!!
Started my steroid dose today....that is the med that the Dr told me in the beginning makes you mean!  I dont think I remembered which drug it was before, but that is definatly the one???  Im sure of it after today....I get so aggitated and angry and then things just come out of my mouth without any thought!  I appologize to any of you that have been on the receiving end of that, but unfortunatly I think its mainly been my husband and kids. :(   
And then theres that.....my kids.....I never had to feel what they are feeling or wonder what they are wondering.  We didnt have anyone with cancer in our family when I was growing up, or even still for that matter!  I know Aliyahs heart and fears she shows it all the time, but the others are pretty to them selves about the whole thing.  Although its probably hard for them sometimes, I also know this is going to make them so much more relateable to others and allow them opportunities to encourage and help friends with their stories of our journey.  I've read it and hear it a thousand times,  When I was diagnosed with cancer...my family was diagnosed with cancer as well!!  I know kids are so resiliant, but I cant help but want to protect them all and ensure they are not feeling the fear that I sometimes feel!
On another note...my nose has been sooooo runny since my last herceptin tx??  One thing I DO NOT recommend is eating hot tamales candy while experiencing the chemo nasal drip!  lol  We were out with the kids at trade a game and I put my quarter in the little candy machine thinking mmmmmm hot tamales sound good....the first one was kind of hot, but it was #2 and #3 that put me over the edge!  I don't know if you have seen kangaroo jack when the kangaroo eats the atomic fireball...LOL...but that is how I felt, I was trying to dig in my purse for a tissue but I couldn't look down because my nose would literally drip out!  Approximately 3 times this happened when I would look down and then I thought at this point someone has to have seen me, so my wonderful husband asked the guy behind the desk if he had a tissue.  I took one and we continued to wait for the boys to trade their games...the guy then came over to that counter with the whole box of tissues and set them down for me!  Hahaha, he was obviously the one that saw. LOL 
Earlier in the day I was walking back from checking the mail and the fear I've had from the first day I lost my hair happened.....my hat blew off!!  Once again, I'm sure SOMEONE saw, but I just picked it up and continued down the street like nothing happened!  lol  At this point you just have to throw pride out the window and roll with the punches!! 

OK....I just realized its after 3am now....I have to be downtown by 8:50....good thing I don't have to do my hair!!!  I'm very exicted to be done with chemo....I wish I could sing....Nah Nah, Nah Nah Nah Nah, Hey Hey Hey...Goodbye!!  Well I suppose I could, but unfortunately I still have to go to the chemo suite for another 8 months for my herceptin...Boo!!  But the side effects are not nearly as bad as the "crappy chemo" days.  So many more of you may be able to catch one of my nasal drip episodes!  Well I'm off to get my rest for the big day....excited that Austin and Shaiya will be there to celebrate with me my last crappy chemo!!  Love you all, Good Night!   ~Fierce Faith~

Dark before Morning

8 days past chemo, I had my herceptin treatment yesterday.  The house was packed!!  I had to wait 1/2 hour to get a seat!   You'd think I was talking about the neighborhood bar or fancy restaurant, but noooooo I'm talkin bout the stinkin chemo suite!!!  Although I do have to tell you I sat next to a great guy one time, he leaned over and asked, "what are ya havin?"  Confused I looked at the snacks on my tray, and he pointed at my IV bag and said, "no, what are ya havin?"  I told him my chemo concoction, and he said, "Ive tried that! The drinks here aren't that good! But the bartenders and waitresses are!"  LOL  I replied..."And they're really expensive!"  It was quite funny to think of the place as a bar....worst hangovers I've ever had!!  I'm still not feeling the best, but like I said before each day is getting better.  The nasal drip is crazy this time.  I've literally bent or leaned over and it just ran out like water!?!?  It is the weirdest thing ever, but is a normal side effect of the herceptin.  Lovely!

Well today I got to meet with my plastic surgeon.  Dr. Oliva.  I really liked him.  Surgery is scheduled for September 19th.  10 hour surgery...5 days in the hospital....2 new boobs....and 1 tummy tuck!  LOL  Im excited and scared at the same time!  He really put me at ease regarding my recovery time.  Basically by the time I leave the hospital I will be moving around able to do some small things, not much, but more than I had expected!  The kids will all be in school, so I will have plenty of time for rest and recovery!

Before I go I have to tell you I heard an amazing song the other day that has completely changed my attitude...I was in a bit of a funk, feeling like my "fierce faith"  was being put to the test.  Then this song came on...I don't know if its new or old, but it is called "Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson.  Look it up on youtube, and listen to it....I challenge you not to cry! LOL  This song touched my heart at just the perfect moment and I did a 360 in my mind!  Thank You God!!
 Part of the lyrics go like this: 
Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning
Love it!!!  And so I can tonight tell you that I have Fierce Faith once again....This battle is nearing the end, when I step in the ring one last time with all you behind me and God beside me...and KICK CANCERS A**!!!!

Love you all,
~Fierce Faith~

Almost a week past crappy chemo #5. I am starting to feel a little better. Each day has its own new weird aches, pains and side effects, but I always know when I'm coming up out of it!! I have tunnel vision right now....focusing on September 19th surgery...recovery....and then helping others that are going through what I just experienced. I have had so many blessings through this journey, that I have to pay it forward once I am well. There is something special about talking to that person that just walked in your shoes! That really understands what you are going through...I know God has called me to be that for many other women! I've met some amazing, courageous people sitting in those chemo chairs...some with an outcome not so good. Yet they still keep a sense of humor and faith in their unknown future. It puts so much of my life into perspective...how to not take one simple thing for granted...tonight I came to the conclusion that I will forever appreciate my taste buds, I get so frustrated that everything I eat tastes gross...I need nutrients/energy, but I just cant find anything that even tastes good. I know that sounds goofy, but it took something like this to even make me think about the intricate threads of our body.  I feel like I get the chance to start over,  a new me.  To truly live life as God had intended.  I'm very excited for that!!  And I know it is just around the corner!

I did get to experience the Liberty Lake Relay 4 Life on Friday night! Thanks again to everyone that help put together a team in my name and raised money, and came out to walk!! What an amazing event, I want to be a bigger part of that next year!! So many ways to show support and get involved so that one day we may have a cure for this stupid disease. 

I'm off to get some much needed beauty rest!!  

Love you all,
~Fierce Faith~

Crappy Chemo #5

Well, I officially have crappy chemo #5 behind me!! Although its not the day of chemo that gets me...its two days later the crummy feeling that takes over my body for 5-7 days. It is nice to be able to say I only have 1 left....do you hear that? I ONLY HAVE 1 CHEMO LEFT!!!!!

I just have to say Thank you to all that have left amazing comments on my facebook page. I read them and cry and thank God for blessing me with so many great people in my life!!

I have so much going through my brain right now, but nothing that I can seem to get out in words....I am falling asleep sitting here, but I really wanted to get a post out.  Thank you for the continued support and prayers.  Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. Live simply,  Love generously, Care deeply, Speak kindly.  Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain.

Fight For Life
Storms of life are strong enough
without cancer stepping in,
Came creeping through the back door
just counting on a win.
Engaging you in battle
we firmly stand our ground,
Armed with courage, faith and hope,
My life we surround..
This fight rages day and night
The will to surivive is strong,
We will never surrender
In our lives you don't belong.
Prepare yourself to lose this time
My life you won't take,
This is a fight you will not win
Cancer, make no mistake!


~Fierce Faith~

Tired!

Well today I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed! I guess after 6 days of just feeling "ok" its finally caught up to me. Its like a yo-yo...I'm happy that I'm not miserably sick, but frustrated that I constantly feel chemo aftermath! My mouth and throat feel like a giant cotton ball!! Food doesn't taste very good, but I want to eat so bad! Liquids are still hard to get down because of the weird taste. I want so bad to be able to enjoy something!! I believe it was my second TX that I didn't feel too bad right away, and then it kicked in the next week....I'm kinda feeling that way now....like I celebrated too soon. I'm tired!!! Tired of being bald.....tired of feeling nauseous all the time....tired of dry mouth.....tired of chemo brain.....tired of heartburn....tired of being irritable....tired of being tired.....tired of appts....tired of orange pill bottles....tired of diarrhea...tired of muscle aches....tired of my nail beds hurting...tired of hot flashes...oh and did I mention tired of chemo brain?!?  Ha!  And the list goes on and on!!!  I know its almost over, I know the end is near.......but right here, right now.....I'm miserable!!  My poor family has gotten the brunt end of my misery the last few days....I'm sure they will all have stories to tell about "The day mom flipped out!"  lol   I may be the one with cancer, but we are all experiencing the effects of cancer!  So glad I have such great friends and family that will hang in there with me till the end!!!  Thank you all, and as I always say, I could not do this alone, without all the prayers and support and people cheering for recovery, it would be easy to fall into a place of darkness and doom!!  But I will continue to push through with my fierce faith so that one day...not to far from now....I can look back and say I DID IT!!!

~Fierce Faith~

Out of hibernation

Hello again!! Chemo # 4 is now officially behind me!!!  I literally walked in the door from work on Wednesday evening....took off my shoes....crawled in to bed and stayed there until today...Saturday!!  I was still in my work clothes until Friday when I changed my shirt!  Chemo brain was in full force this round, I forgot to go in for my Neulasta shot the day after chemo...Thank goodness one of the nurses called and reminded me around 4:15, so I was able to run in and get it before they closed!  I then forgot to take my last dose of steroids, and almost forgot my big nausea pill, forgot my meds for heartburn. I cant say I felt any worse or better than after any of the other txs, I just figured as long as I could sleep I wouldn't have to feel any of the pain.  It worked! (somewhat) Still feel crappy, but I'm coming up out of it! I was able to walk around the farmers market with my mom and Aliyah this morning, even made a trip to the grocery store......bad bad bad thing to do when you are really hungry and just trying to come up with things that might taste good...$50 later I ended up with potato chips and bean dip, hash browns, watermelon, sugar snaps cereal (which I never eat) top ramen, & some orange slice gumdrops!   WTF?!?!?  How am I supposed to put any of that together as a meal???  I'm still not sure any of it will even taste as good as it sounds, but hey at least I feel like I might be able to eat sooner than the last treatments.  I do have to say the new rx for heartburn is awesome!!  I have mild heartburn this time, but nothing like the last ones.  I still have the gross taste thing going on, but minus the heartburn makes it much easier to even try different foods.  So, now I can proudly say I only have 2 treatments left and I am thrilled!!!  Although this was a crazy ride, I can see how later I will be able to look back at it and think, that wasn't so bad.  Although I'm not technically a survivor yet, I will leave you with this; 

Top 10 Ways to Know You are a Cancer Survivor

10 Your alarm clock goes off at 6 a.m. and you're glad to hear it.
9. Your mother-in-law invites you to lunch and you just say NO.
8. You're back in the family rotation to take out the garbage.
7. When you no longer have an urge to choke the person who says,
"all you need to beat cancer is the right attitude."
6. When your dental floss runs out and you buy 1000 yards.
5. When you use your toothbrush to brush your teeth and not comb your hair.
4. You have a chance to buy additional life insurance but you buy a new convertible car instead.
3. Your doctor tells you to lose weight and do something about your
cholesterol and you actually listen.
2. When your biggest annual celebration is again your birthday, and not the day you were diagnosed.
1. When you use your Visa card more than your hospital parking pass

~Fierce Faith~

Crappy Chemo #4

I'm back! Not sure why it took me 3 weeks between posts.....partly sick, partly busy, partly lazy!! Well, I had chemo #4 today. It went well...had labwork this morning, then met with Dr. Nichols and then on to chemo...I think this was record time..was in chemo suite by 9:30 and out by 1pm!! James and I went to Olive Garden and had lunch together and then I did my usual after chemo...drove back to work and took a nap in the car before going in to work. I get benadryl with my chemo tx and it just really makes me tired, plus I usually dont sleep well when I start those dumb steroids!! The steroids do not allow me to sleep for more than an hour at a time, and they increase the hot flashes, and instigate the heartburn!!  Dr. Nichols gave me some prescriptions to use for my heartburn...I pray that these will help...uuuugggghhhh, its sooooo miserable!!! So now here I sit, wondering when its going to hit me, what its going to be like this time, how long its going to last??  I could sit and wonder, or just know that it is what it is and keep moving forward knowing that my body is being healed of cancer!!  I only have 2 treatments left, August 2nd & August 23rd.  Surgery is tentativly scheduled for September 19th. Im in the process of working out the details.  Its just amazing to think that this whole thing started April 5th, 2011 and just 5 months later I will be on the recovery side, the survivor side!!  It feels like it has been an eternity since diagnosis day, but when its all over to look back and think 5 months...thats not bad at all!  I do know I will have to add in some recovery time to my surgery...Dr. Nichols said 6-8 weeks for recovery!  I was thinking like 2!  Hahaha.  She kind of laughed when I said that...the laugh that meant "Good Luck with that"  lol   I also have to continue with the herceptin for a year, right now its every week, but after chemo is done it will be changed to every 3 weeks, but that has very little side effects....well other than the fact that it could weaken your heart muscle!!  I will have another EKG after my last chemo to make sure everything is all good, and then be checked again every 3 months.  I have to say this has been such a learning experience.   I am very excited to be able to help others with the information I have gathered and the journey Ive experienced.  I want to thank so many of you for all the prayers, meals, support....And thanks to those of you that have bought me hats and scarves!  I love them all, and its so fun to go to work with different hats each day!  Well, that is it for my rambling brain for tonight.  I love you all and I continue to feel the peace and comfort from your prayers.  Thank you so much!

~Fierce Faith~

Crappy Chemo #3

4:38 am! 4hours 32 minutes 27 seconds (but who's counting) until round 3! The last week has been great, I've felt good, energy level is up! Its amazing how that 1 great week totally prepares your mind to go in and do it all again. Not to mention my least fav side effect, (but maybe theres more to it than we know) is "chemo brain" I know I just simply forget those 4-7 crappy days! You women with kids can relate when you were pregnant...its like you're only functioning with half a brain! (For men..its like your every day life!) Haha, totally kidding! This is where a sense of humor and ALOT of grace from my friends and family is soooo important!! Funny story for ya: Mom meets me up at Chee Chees to pick out my wig, when we leave my car won't start. So, I get out the jumper cables...imagine if you will....sweet little nanny (who's knowledge of cars is that it gets her to the mall for shopping, lol!) Although she's assisted in more than a handful of these jumpings...all with my car! & then you got me...mush brain.... so, everythings hooked up, we start the cars, yiiipppe, it worked! We disconnect the jumper cables, I go to put my hood down...and the few working brain cells say " make sure you have your keys before you close the hood" Im rubbing my pockets, looking to see if I set them near the battery...now Im in a panic!! No sooner do the words come out of my mouth, "I can't find my keys!" That I look at mom and realize my car is running!! Hahaha! I suppose that could have had a more severe outcome than it did! Lol So, if any of you have been waiting for God to reveal something to you, or answer a prayer...give him some time...he's been workin overtime with me lately! Lol The real scary thing is that I then get behind the wheel and drive down the same streets many of you are driving on!! So, watch out for 16 year olds, and chemo patients!! Lol

Ok...So here we go #3...the halfway point! Its so hard to believe its only been 2 1/2 months since the life changing news! It feels like an eternity, yet so much has happened so fast! I will never be happy that I had cancer, but I will ALWAYS be greatful for how it changed my life; how close it has brought my family, the blessings Ive received, the strength I've been given, the fears Ive been faced with...and overcome! The opportunity to see through hurting eyes! So many many things that have changed me and who I am and how I think and how I look at others, FOREVER. Life is precious, you never know what will happen tomorrow....live each day as if it were your last...Love! Laugh! Hug! Say I'm sorry! Say I love you! Say Thank you! Appreciate what you've been given! No regrets!! Love you all!
~Fierce Faith~

??

Well, I'm sitting at ccnw for my weekly herceptin infusion.....so many emotions...I look at all these people around me, all different walks of life. 14 chairs.....all filled by someone that has been diagnosed with some form of cancer. I can't help but ask all the "W's"........ What is cancer....Where did it come from? Why these people? Why me?!?
I could sit and wonder these un-answerable questions all day, but it only makes me feel worse. Instead, I will focus on the amazing things I love in my life...the things that make sense to me...the things I choose! My friends, my family, my savior! Thank you to all those that continue to pray for my family and I. That continue to support "Team Steph" I am so lucky to have all of your love and prayers!

God Bless ~Fierce Faith~

Bad blogger!

Its official...I am a bad blogger! Promised I'd post at my last chemo, and here we are a week and a half later! (I started this on June 8th....but it is now Saturday June 11th!! )So, a quick catch up...round 2 went really well, I was out in 3 1/2 hours. Mom was there keeping me company! Felt good Wed. and Thurs. By Friday I was really tired and had horrible heart burn. Symptoms not as severe as the first tx. But Monday and Tuesday and still today, mouth sores, sore throat & nausea! And I still have heart burn. All in all not nearly as bad as the first time, but lots more fatigue. Which I think is normal with each additional tx. I guess I just have a new "normal"
I did get a wig! My amazing coworkers collected enough money to get me a human hair wig from Chee Chees. I just got it yesterday. Chee Chee cut and styled it, and showed me how to care for it. I will post a pic....still trying to get used to it myself! My scalp is so sensitive right now. All the little stubbles are slowly coming out.
Today is a good day! Weve got the Liberty Lake yard sales, the farmers market, and nice weather! So, I am going to enjoy this time with friends and family! I have so much I want to post, but my mind is running so fast! So this is it for now.
Love you all ~fierce fairh~